Wilder by Far

A look at life with the Wilder family. Updated most weekends and some vacation days. You can contact me at movingnorth@gmail.com..

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Wednesday, August 01, 2007

" If a shark stops swimming, it dies. Don't stop swimming, Mr. Mulder." - Deep Throat, The X Files


”Why no, I didn’t eat the cat. Certainly not raw. This? Fingerpaint. Really.”

“Well, what do you want to write about?” The Mrs. asked.

“Dunno,” I replied.

The Mrs. wanted me to write about a man, stranded on a desert island, whose only company is the sharks that incessantly circle the island. He has to eat the sharks, yet he is romantically lustfully drawn to them.

Hmmm, no.

A repeated criticism from The Mrs. is that life in Texas is, well, boring when compared with our former life on the frontier of human abilities to survive. That’s Alaska. In reality, I have to say that life in Alaska is much more interesting, more active, and the weekends are filled with many more endless possibilities than a weekend in Texas.

In Texas, there is a profusion of things to do. You can go see a concert put out by Alice in Chains or ZZ Top. I think a big name is here weekly. In Fairbanks? Gregg Rolie (the guy who sang “Black Magic Woman”) plays two (two!) shows at the Tanana Valley State Fair and if you’re busy, you missed the concert event of the year.

I could keep going, on culture, on art, on food, and on, well, the myriad of stuff that a person can purchase here. What’s missing? Well, there were deer in my backyard this week, but, alas, the element of wild nature, the slight risk that while you’re taking the trash out a grizzly bear might turn you into a two-column-inch national story about the guy who beat a grizzly bear to death with an empty beer bottle and a broken Pez® dispenser. “He put that grizzly down, put it down real good. Stuck the Pez© dispenser right into that grizzly’s pancreas. He came out of it with only 442 stitches. Might be able to open his eyelids again, with enough therapy.”

Also, down in Texas, the biggest hazard I face on a daily basis is that I might sweat somewhat profusely if my car breaks down. Then I might have to wait fifteen minutes for a tow truck to arrive. Or, I might get shot by a carjacker down in downtown Houston. (Grizzly bears rarely have guns, but have been known to carry chainsaws. Now, the hybrid grizzly-shark with a chainsaw and laser eyes? That’s scary.)

Anyhow, I don’t think there are any of those in Houston. Frogs, sure. But a frog couldn’t lift a chainsaw. Not a real threat.

The other item that bothers me is the things I make my family do we love to do as a family, well, they’re not available here, unless we want to go gather wood in the downtown park. They had a dim view of that when I was cutting down some old oak tree that Sam Houston had once carved “Sam Kicked Santa Ana’s Butt Right Here” down. Something about a felony. Didn’t hear much more, used the bear spray and got out of there.

Hiking? Sure. In the mall. Hunting? Sure. For bargains at Target©.

In truth, we haven’t been doing all that much on weekends because we have to keep the house up (somewhat of a fixer-upper) and every plant we have seems to grow an inch an hour. I’ve never weed-wacked flowers before, but if we didn’t, soon the vines would pull the whole place down, just like Rupert Murdoch soon will with the Wall Street Journal™, perhaps by putting tasteful line drawings of topless girls on the Journal’s page 3, combined with editorials by Bud Bundy on the free market economics (sorry for the obscurity of that one).

But, we’re here. For all of the whining above, we’ve enjoyed (most) minutes here. Boring? Sure. Love Texas? Well, let’s just say we’re reserving judgment on that one.

I’m just hoping that frogs evolve laser eyes soon. That would be so cool.
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Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been out of touch for awhile, and am catching up. When reading your past blogs one thing comes to mind. I can hear a certain professor saying "if you get hit with 10 newtons, does it hurt?" followed by "if I hit you with 10 #'s then you know what to expect". Had 2 back to back vacations, lots of fun. Followed by cub scout camp with 40 little ones. I am tired. Purchased another round from the Mrs storage cellar today, waiting for the second.

9:25 PM  
Blogger SusanE said...

If there is any way possible, go back.

10:16 AM  
Blogger Tiffany said...

Yep, time to go back. :)

Pugsley is adorable in that picture. Even my daughter said "Ahhhhhhh"

4:45 PM  
Blogger JohnCub said...

Frogs with lasers on their frickin' heads is not too much to ask.

I wondered when this post would come. Hope the Home Despot©®™ in the lower 48 is treating you as well as the one "back home" did.

Additionally, what is it like to have to share a time zone like the rest of us, do you find that to be stifling?

7:19 PM  
Blogger My home is Alaska said...

John, John, John. I think your forget how life becomes CONSUMED with wood. Wood, wood, wood. I am up to 7 truckloads so far and getting another 5 or 6 this weekend. Every night after work is wood. But I agree with you....life in Alaska is a hell of a lot more exciting than it was in California. There is just something about living here.

10:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Try a weekend road trip -- or even a day trip and get out of the city. There is tons of hiking in Texas hill country, not to mention beaches like glorious Galveston and desert that surely can't be more than a few hours by car away. Those things keep me going whenever I get too caught up in the Texas city life in the Big D.

12:31 PM  

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