"Arthur, that belt is an accessory of evil, and evil is never in fashion." - The Tick, The Tick

The Moose of the fields, they do not toil, neither do they spin. Lazy Moose.

When did common sense become a law?

Most of the time, I’ve got nice things to say about the laws up here in Alaska, since we’ve had far fewer years to muck up the system with “good ideas.”

Recently, a law was passed that allows police to pull you over and give you a ticket if you’re not wearing a seat belt. Previously, the law had been that you could be cited only if you were pulled over for another offense, such as driving like Burt Reynolds in Smokey and the Bandit with the sheriff’s daughter in the passenger seat.

Now, should a member of our law enforcement community see you driving without protecting yourself via a seat belt, they can pull you over and cite you. I imagine that there are lots of states where that’s the case, since the Federal government ponies up some cash to your state if it has that law, and politicians have incredibly flimsy backbones when someone’s waving cash in their face.

To start with, Alaska has fewer miles of road than Los Angeles, and driving is one of the tamest things we do. Besides, if people wish to drive around without seat belts, why should we deprive Mother Nature the opportunity to enhance the species?

I can remember when I was young that seat belts weren’t worn all that much by anybody. Car seat for the children? Nah, you can hold ‘em. Booster seat? No, then junior couldn’t crawl around on the floor. Strangely, an entire generation survived, yet turned into the weenies that are now passing seat belt laws. How the heck is the kid gonna get the Skittles he dropped off the floor before he mashes them into the carpet with his clumsy foot if he’s belted up?

Seat belt laws are first trotted out as being “for the children.” Whenever I hear that particular argument, I’m certain that the person saying it is as intellectually bankrupt as a major airline. Any major airline. Except Southwest.

P.J. O’Rourke calls the mindset that comes up with regulation after regulation to protect us (mainly from ourselves) Safety Nazis. And, he’s right. This cadre of humanity wishes for everyone to change every action to be safer. But, I’ll let P.J. speak for himself:

The forces of safety are afoot in the land. I, for one, believe it is a conspiracy— a conspiracy of Safety Nazis shouting "Sieg Health" and seeking to trammel freedom, liberty, and large noisy parties. The Safety Nazis advocate gun control, vigorous exercise, and health foods. The result can only be a disarmed, exhausted, and half-starved population ready to acquiesce to dictatorship of some kind.

The ultimate in irony is not that this bill is now law in Alaska, but that right under the story announcing that the law had been signed, was the story of a gentleman who drowned in a creek after his vehicle flipped over and he couldn’t disconnect the seat belt. Now, I know that had he not had the seat belt on, he might have flown headfirst into Paris Hilton, and died of acute embarrassment for being associated with her. True fact: Paris Hilton doesn’t know what country London is in, she stated recently in court. Where do I go to sign up to be her financial advisor? I can see how that could go:

Paris: Where’s my money?

Me: That’s complicated, Paris. It’s in a series of trusts and annuities, compounding tax free.

Paris: Can I have some money?

Me: Well, no. You see, in order to make sure you don’t spend the money wastefully, you signed over authority for me to manage it for you and buy myself nice things. Here’s five dollars.

Paris: That’s confusing. I’ll come back later for some money.

Me: Bye, Paris, I have to go talk to Alec Baldwin about the money he used to have.

Yeah, I could so take care of money for stupid rich people.

I think Paris Hilton proves my point about seat belts. What does it say about us as a society that we would want to have her protect herself from danger in any manner whatsoever? Why wouldn’t we pass laws allowing her to play with sharp things, and have taxpayer-funded gasoline and matches delivered to her on a daily basis? Paris needs loaded guns about her house!

Now those would be common sense laws. You know, for the children.