"Excuse me, do you know if these gloves are good for killing a man?" - Dale Gribble, King of the Hill

Trees. Snow. Thought that you might think they were pretty. I know it's cheap, but it's the thought that counts.

After a week spent at -50ºF, -20ºF sure feels good. 0ºF, like it is today, feels nearly summery. It doesn’t even hurt to breathe from the moisture inside your throat freezing as you draw in that next breath. -50ºF is a great temperature to chill beer at, but it does wear on you. It’s omnipresent, and you can feel it pressing on you even as you stand by the fire, which is as hot as The Mrs. after I’ve gone to the store for baby food (why don’t they sell it in fifty pound sacks, like dog food?) and come back with fixins for a three course Mexican dinner, hardware for the next three home projects, beer, but no baby food. You might think that was a silly thing to do, and, so did The Mrs. The first three times I did it. I guess she expects it now.

I’ve written before that I often don’t zip my coat up in this weather, and that’s true. Without a breeze, it’s not all that bad. My hands, however, have to spend their time touching things that are at -50ºF (like the steering wheel for driving, like wood for the fire) and my hands get cold.

I’ve got a pair of gloves that are old and crappy. Seams are split, and whatever foam used to provide the insulation in them has smashed down to the point that the gloves have ceased being protective clothing, and become fashion accessories, since they match my coat. By the time I get to work, my fingers are numb from the cold.

The Mrs. noticed my plight. She went out and bought a pair of gloves for me for Christmas. They were nice, and fit well. They even had a little tag that said, “waterproof.” I started to wear them, and discovered that they were waterproof, as in they kept the water from my hands (sweat, you call it in the Lower 48) inside the glove. Said moisture would then get cold. Although they’re better than nothing on a cold day, they aren’t all that much better.

Strike two.



I think they look more like the shoes the apes wore in that documentary I saw the other week on The Discovery Channel.” You know, Planet of the Apes.

I bought a pair of gloves from Cabella’s specifically for working on the wood pile. They’re pictured above, and cost about $10. I think they’re some sort of military surplus, but I have no idea which military they might be surplus from. Estonia? The Czech Republic? I’m pretty sure that they’re not from the Tahitian military.

They’re nice. They have an internal woolen liner. They also are halfway between mittens and gloves, and can’t make up their minds of which they want to be, like Hamlet. Or Hillary Rodham Clinton. This is a good thing though since if it’s cold out and I don’t need my finger to start or run a chainsaw or turn a car key, I can pull my finger out of the index finger slot and put it right into the mitten part, where my index finger will be joined by three other fingers to form some sort of commune wherein they decide to tie-dye t-shirts. Or something. But they’re warm.

Anyhow, the woolen liner will still insulate even if at –40ºF it can somehow find enough liquid water to get wet. The outer covering of canvas will breath. The leather is good for work. They also had a string that come with them for stringing them through your jacket so you could take them off and not lose them. It’s as if they were designed for an army composed of second graders.

The Boy, however, had other ideas.

“Why does your glove have two thumbs?”

“It’s doesn’t,” I explained. “This one is for my index finger. I can use it to grab things. See?”

“Why does your glove have two thumbs?”

Okay, they do look silly. But I can run a chainsaw wearing them and, most importantly, keep my hands warm. It’s a trade off. Besides, with the handy string, I won’t be losing them when the bigger boys pick on me.

Hey, who pinned the note to my jacket?