"I told you! I spent it with my uncle in Alaska hunting wolverines." - Napoleon, Napoleon Dynamite

A knotty moose, poised to charge our car. Thank heavens it was made of wood. Also, it looks like Elvis brought drove his car to get some ice cream up here.

It’s almost tourist season. My in-laws, though not the typical tourists, still fit the mold (class A motor home, funny accents, think 40ºF is cold) and are the vanguard of the flocks of tourists to follow.

I first heard about one of our best tourist traps when my friend first told me about The Knotty Shop. When he told me about it, I thought the he was telling me about The Naughty Shop, and was wondering just where he thought this relationship was going. Now I know that The Knotty Shop is an ice cream store masquerading as a tourist trap just south of Fairbanks.

Given that it was a dull, boring Sunday, and I wanted to give my in-laws something to do besides watch The Weather Channel® or Fox News©, I floated the idea that we go to The Knotty Shop. The Mrs. quickly explained to her parents that it wasn’t a place where lingerie and leather were the main products, and it was decided we’d go. After a hearty breakfast of eggs and reindeer sausage, away we went.

The drive was nice. As tourist traps go, The Knotty Shop is a good one – all Alaska, all the time. I’ve been there before, and written about it. But this time it was actually our destination, versus being a stop on the way someplace. I actually looked at the stuff they were selling. They had the usual Alaska license plates, Alaska cups, Alaska shot glasses, Alaska t-shirts, Alaska hats, and Alaska toilet paper. In addition, they have a taxidermist's dream, stuffed fox, caribou, wolverine, and badger in a big display, perfect for family photo shoots. They also had more exotic products:


A whale shoulder bone (who knew about they had arms?) carved to show, well, looks like a party or maybe a KISS concert. Yours for only $4,200.00 US.


A walrus tusk set. Didn't check the price, but potentially more than my car is worth.

I’m hoping some of the tourists saved some money so they could afford some of the pricier do-dads, though in truth I think The Knotty Shop doesn’t sell many whale shoulder blades during the course of a summer tourist season.

We finally got our ice cream. It was good and, in my case, chock full o’ chocolaty goodness. We sat outside and ate. As we did, a guy got out of a minivan that pulled up. Normally, I don’t notice people so much, but this guy, well, he had long flowing locks of curled blonde hair like Sammy Hagar.

One of the personal bits of philosophy of The Mrs. is that you have to be rich to dress like a pirate, so if you see anyone dressed like a pirate out in public, well, they’re rich. He wasn’t dressed like a pirate. He was, however, wearing an REO Speedwagon t-shirt from Tour 1984-85, which is fairly amazing since, well, that means the shirt is old enough to buy vodka.

Was he in REO Speedwagon, or does he just have a concert t-shirt collection that will never stop? Don’t know. And, there were more important things, namely, ice cream.

My father-in-law decided to buy The Boy some suckers, so he handed me his cone as he walked into the store. I didn’t eat all of it.

The Knotty Shop is a good place to go and buy whale bones, but I still prefer the ice cream. And, if that guy was in REO Speedwagon? I still prefer anything to REO Speedwagon.