Wilder by Far

A look at life with the Wilder family. Updated most weekends and some vacation days. You can contact me at movingnorth@gmail.com..

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Wednesday, August 08, 2007

"Don't you try and trivialize police work." - Carlton Lassiter, Psych


The Boy submits his retina scan for your enjoyment. Another example of pictures that you’d never expect when you give an ancient digital camera to a six-year-old for his enjoyment.

I mentioned last week that Wildercomputer 2000® (didn’t putting 2000 behind anything make it sound futuristic, even in 1997?) had a virus issue last week. I did some research online, and discovered that in order to protect yourself from fraud, you should do a police report indicating that some of your personal data may have been stolen. I followed this advice, and called my local police department.

John Wilder: “Hello, my computer had a virus. I’d like to do a police report.”

Police Chick 1: “Ummm, let me transfer you.” (Click – hum, music by The Cars)

Police Chick 2: “Yes?”

JW: “Hello, my computer had a virus. I’d like to do a police report. Did you want to come dust the disk drive for fingerprints before I reformat?”

PC2: “You can’t report a computer virus.”

JW: “Well, I read that I should, to prevent fraud and stuff.”

PC2: “You can’t report that you had a computer virus. We don’t do police reports for that.”

JW: “So, are computer viruses legal now? I mean, I thought that putting a virus on someone’s computer was illegal. Should I hire an Albanian hacker so I can gather whatever personal secrets Lindsey Lohan has left off of her RAM? Assuming she knows how to write, of course.”

PC2: “I’ve found that it’s better to hire the Latvians. They’re sneakier. Plus, I was looking for Brad Pitt’s hard drive bits, I hear he’ll be back on the market soon.”

In short (too late) they would not let me come in and report a crime, which, I’m guessing means that nobody’s watching and, really, nobody cares. I could have been calling to report that my clothes no longer smelled “clothesline fresh” after they came out of the dryer or that my tongue felt icky. Not choking, just a bit icky.

Some part of me felt marginally irritated that I couldn’t report something that, most certainly, is against the laws of Texas and the United States of America. Oh, sure, if they’d have hacked into Al Gore’s computer and stolen his weatherporn you would have seen J. Edgar Hoover’s dress-wearing ghost personally sniffing Al Gore’s C:\ drive for DNA.

Me? Not so much, which is okay, because J. Edgar’s taste in nightwear would probably clash with our carpet, and once you get a ghost in the machine, well, you’re at least talking about someone watching every breath you take. Assuming that J. Edgar could be a spirit in the material world, and talk about The Mrs. as if every little thing she does is magic. (In defense of the last paragraph, this is a story about The Police.

Hey, maybe I could call Sting and have him turn virus safety for computers into a global cause. He could have gala benefits, and maybe not suck as much as he has since, ummm, 1981.

But, no, I think I’ll turn my sights on Bono. U2 can be virus free. Bono – do it. This could win your glasses that Nobel Prize you’ve been looking for!
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Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm in Dallas and you can report possible identity theft in Addison, one of our nice suburbs (only if you're a resident). In Texas this year there was a big problem with illegal immigrants using fake SSNs of legal immigrants and then filing a tax return. So legal immigrants were told they'd already filed and were told by the IRS to get a police report. But go figure, DPD says it's an IRS issue. DPD pretty much refuses to take any identity theft report. I guess it is one reason to move to the burbs -- in my mind all the chain restaurants there sufficiently outweight that benefit though.

11:36 AM  
Blogger Tiffany said...

Sorry about the virus! What a pain in the butt. I hope your essentials are safe though.

That picture is a bit freaky!

6:21 PM  
Blogger John said...

Hey, you can at least get your Starbucks in either the Starbucks in the Target, the Starbucks in the parking lot of the Target, or the Starbucks in the lobby of the Starbucks.

the therapist!,
The Boy is a bit freaky. But we love him for it.

6:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No whining about identity theft simply because you left your firewall down. I actually had a car stolen in CA and called 911 when the police said they would take my information over the phone. I asked how long before the patrol unit would show up and the dispatcher actually had a "moment" while they informed me that no one would be coming, but I should call over the next few weeks to see if my car was found. Made me feel better that I should be able to get away with something pretty major with no consequences here. The moral of the story, just because you switch states (this is number 10 for me)don't expect the same expectations from the taxing agency!

7:47 PM  

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