"Is there anything about Canada we need to know before we get there?" - Fez, That 70's Show

 

The South end of a Northbound Moose. Not a picture from Canada, but what the heck, seems to suit the mood.

As I boarded Air Canada® I had no idea what to expect. What I got was … instructions in English and some other language, which sounded sort of like someone had tried to gargle while their mouth was full of raw oysters. I later learned that this language is “French” or something, and it is more or less supposed to sound that way.

I got in, buckled up, and fell asleep before we pulled back from the gate. I think I drooled.

Anyhow, I woke up, and noticed that the person in front of me was watching the television mounted in front of him in his seat, and watching 3:10 to Yuma. “Oh, I thought, in flight movie. Eh.” Then I looked and saw that someone else was watching the front of his seat, and watching a different movie (something with dwarves, or maybe just Tom Cruise).

Huh? Had I fallen asleep and woke up in the cool future that Disney™ promised us when I was in third grade and visited Tomorrowland©?

Sadly, I had left my headphones at home. See, having had no experience visiting Canada, I had left my I-Pod™ at home, worrying that it would be seized at the border and replaced with an Eh-Pod®, or whatever the metric equivalent of an I-Pod© is.

Just then a stewardess flight attendant walked by, and told me she’d left headphones in the adjacent seat for me. What? I didn’t have to pay for them? Heck, on United™, you have to pay for air by the breath (that was intended to be a joke – I’m sorry if when they decide to actually do it) and turn off the engines and coast a lot to save fuel while the passengers stick their arms out the window and flap for their lives. Literally. Instantly awake, I simply had to try this out.

I watched Into The Wild and immediately began a longing for Alaska. When the FULLY NAKED LADY who had just jumped out of a freezing river showed up on the movie screen, I blushed and looked behind me to make sure some kid wasn’t watching. No kid. I felt guilty anyway.

Okay, MOVIES, FREE movies, RECENT free movies, UNCUT recent free movies? Wow. And the people on the flight were nicer than heck.

Maybe Canada wasn’t as evil as I thought, after all.

When we touched down, it was time for customs, which turned out to be a nice, polite person asking me why I was here in winter, eh? Satisfied with my answer, they pointed me through the door.

No searching. No guard dogs. Just a nice clerk. Huh?

I had a connecting flight out, and had a few minutes to spend, and found a fully stocked bookstore. I was looking for a particular book, and asked the clerk if they had it. “Yes, that’s in the business and economics section.” She actually went and HELPED me find it.

My mistake was, of course, buying the book. See, in the back of the book, they have a US price and a Canadian price. Back when their currency was worth a similar amount of wrapping paper, it would have been okay. But now that US money is less useful than a visit to rehab for a Hollywood starlet, it wasn’t really a good deal.

Anyhow, I went through security to get on my next flight. And didn’t take my shoes off. Huh?

Don’t the Canadians realize that shoes are inherently dangerous (or lez shouz et muy dangeroux)?

Next: Bureaucrats, Driving, Cable Surprises and, Maybe Eddie Haskell