"I'm half machine! I'm a monster!" - Buster Bluth, Arrested Development

 

I, for one, welcome our new robotic Lego© overlords.

I’m trying to make sense of the presidential race. Being in Alaska dulled my political senses, but now that I live back in the lower 48 (49 if you count Canada) all the newspapers and television keep trying to tell me I should care. I did care about Alaska politics, because it was immediate and your vote seemed to mean something. Heck, Alaska still has the hottest governor (Sarah Palin) in the nation. Plus, there’s an outside chance that Sarah might be related by marriage to Michael Palin of Monty Python. That’s making your vote count.

Alia S. Wilder told me the other day that, “This is the most important election of our lives.”

Yeah. I know that they’re so cute when they’re young and not all cynical.

Right. I’ll try to care. So, my dissection of the presidential race at this point:

I don’t know if Barack Obama is a fan of Groucho Marx or Karl Marx. It seems more like he’s running for Student Council President than US President. His campaign seems to be run on the premise of vague commentary about “Change” and girls fainting when they see him because he’s so darn hot. In full disclosure, the “Change” and fainting girls was my platform when I was running for Student Council President. Don’t worry, Barack, I didn’t win either.

Based on my analysis, I think Barack would be the president most likely to be able to defeat the plans of Skynet to send robotic terminators back into time to kill Sarah Connor, but then again I might have misread his brochure. If he can do that, I’m pretty sure I can’t vote for him, since that’s a really good television show. Plus, I don’t want to make our (future) robotic overlords too mad at me.

One thing I do know about Obama, is that he won his senatorial election based on the fact that his opponent was getting lots of bad press. His opponent was getting divorced from the actress that played the Borg© on Star Trek Voyager™, and she maintained during the trial that he liked to do really, really kinky things with her. I’ve just got to say, this Obama guy sure is against future robot overlords. It’s creepy.

But, speaking of sexual issues:

Facing off against Obama is Hillary Clinton. Hillary has more baggage than American Airlines™. Like American Airlines™ a lot of it gets pretty conveniently lost. It’s almost as if . . . evil robot overlords were losing my luggage on purpose.

Okay, I’ve got to admit the Clinton years in the White House were lots of fun. There was Bill and the stories of hanky-panky with random women. Fortunately, I’m pretty sure that Bill Clinton would never, ever, ever, lie to us about his relationships with women. I’m also pretty sure those Enron® guys were misquoted.

I’m also pretty sure that Hillary won’t be nearly as fun as Bill was. She seems more like the teacher that tried to seem cool by letting you call her by her first name, but in reality had a burning hatred and disdain for you that was expressed by her occasionally just jerking you by the hair and saying, “I heard what you said about me.” Oh, was that just me that happened to? Huh.

Anyhow, I think that Hillary’s platform includes taxing the earth so that magical fairies show up and pump more oil out of it without disturbing a single caribou, kangaroo, or Manitou. She promises that gasoline will be cheap enough that you can bathe in it. She promises that she will send a military expedition to Canada to kidnap their doctors and loot their cheap drugs. Bill gets first pick of the hot Canadian ladies.

Fortunately, Hillary will pay for this with taxes “on the rich”. By this I’m sure she doesn’t mean her and Bill, since they voluntarily contributed all of their extra money (millions and millions, I think) to the IRS to pay for their “fair share.”

They did do that, and not pay the voluntary minimum tax, right?

That leaves us with John McCain. Good first name. Good credentials. I think he’s campaigning on the platform that if you vote for him, he won’t kill and eat you.

McCain has a temper that is legendary. I heard he once was mean enough to a drive-thru clerk at McDonald’s© when she asked him to pull forward without his food and sit and wait in the car that she cried. Oh, that was me, too (only defense, I was 16). My bad. Are we really ready to have an angry terminator from the future as our leader?

If so, I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords.

So, I really wonder, of the 3.4 billion Americans are these really the best ones we can find to run for President? Isn’t there someone who has actual ideas instead of rehashed party rhetoric, someone who has the guts to say the truth, someone who

Me? I’m not voting (really) in the presidential election. Too many damned robots. If I do vote, it will be for (non-robotic) Alaskan governor, Sarah Palin.

Can you imagine when she meets the Russians? Palin, meet Putin, Putin, Palin.

She’s an Alaskan. She could drink him under the table. That, my friends, is foreign policy.

For some reason I lost this post - (I was messing with blogger) this is a repost.