"You don't vote for king." - King Arthur, Monty Python and the Holy Grail

The Battle of Antietam, if it were to appear on “The Simpsons” except that the people aren’t yellow. Make you wonder if they had even heard of art school back then, doesn’t it?

I made a bold admission to a friend (an actual, bona fide pillar of the community) the other day, “I’m not going to vote.” Oh, sure, this wasn’t as bold an admission as, “I’m wearing very special silky underpants today,” but it was a bold admission.

He replied, “Same here.” (Not voting, not the special silky underpants thing.)

His reasoning and mine were similar. We don’t want to play anymore. All the candidates left are serious losers that we wouldn’t have told where the kegger was in high school.

Me? I hung out with the D&D© nerds (first beer bought with fellow nerd B.W.) and the jocks (who occasionally drove me home after the kegger). Some of the best parties were when you got ‘em all together. Nerds? Jocks? They’re just people.

However, John, Hillary, and Obama were the people nobody would hang with, so they just sat at home shredding documents and being bitter. Gaze upon their faces and tell me these aren’t the most bitter people ever, except for the guy who did the “bitter beer face” commercials, and really has bitter down to a science. These were the people who were already starting their Presidential campaigns, and washing the cars of the members of the school board, so they could have a stunning application to Yale.

These candidates are hideous. I had an added epiphany: the voter’s aren’t so wonderful, either.

Thanks to the glory of Youtube, I can post a wonderful clip that shows why democracy is a bad idea (beware, this video clip contains girls in bikinis, a written word that is naughty, and some verbal references to Hillary Clinton that begin with the letter ‘b’ and rhyme with ‘snitch,’ so if that sort of stuff shocks you, don’t click on the link below):


I watched this video in stunned silence, and realized that I am totally, completely, and utterly opposed to the idea of democracy. So were the Founding Fathers. They thought democracy was about the worst form of government they could think of, except perhaps a government controlled entirely by Elvis Presley imitators, or housecats. They thought that a democracy led inevitably to a government not of ideas and principles, but one of popularity. The Athenians had a democracy, and so voted that Socrates had to commit suicide by drinking hemlock because he was known as the Paris Hilton of his day, rarely wearing anything under his toga. This led, of course, to Socrates’ famous last words:

“I drank what?”

Let me give you another example: my work often requires me to be home past dinner time at the Wilder house. If our house were a democracy, The Mrs. would suggest a well balanced meal that might include, say, broccoli, liver, and boiled cabbage. The Boy and Pugsley would caucus and suggest that carmel-filled chocolate Easter eggs would be appropriate. With an astonishing 67%-33% majority, The Boy and Pugsley would grow up into 1000 pound men with no teeth.

Does it work like that? No! It’s a constitutional monarchy at our house, with limited input from the serfs. Fair? No. But we really do know better.

I won’t be voting for Ron Paul in the election (though he’s closer to my views than the rest of the bitter-kid club), but these voters made me sure that we need a way to painfully keep people who shouldn’t vote away from the computer that tallies their votes, or else we should rig the election like The Onion suggests:


Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 2008 Election Early

Really, now, should the only qualification to cast a vote be that you can fog a mirror?

So, as I watch the candidates I wonder where is our modern-day Washington, Jefferson, Jackson, or Madison? I mean, at least Madison had Dolly Madison, who at least made wonderful snack cakes.

I could vote for a president if he stood for real change, or at least good snack cakes.