" A pentagram, and reindeer laughing. You figure it out." - Tom Servo, MST3K

 

Angel Six, Angel Six, this is Red Nose. We have a man down, repeat, we have a man down.

At Christmas, we’re lucky enough to get letters from our friends that tell us of the fun events and excitement that they have had during the previous year. Generally, it’s the good excitement they tell us about – new babies, fresh cosmetic surgery, and never mention terms like “claw hammer” or “incarcerated.”

I say we’re “lucky” because I can’t recall sending a Christmas card out in nearly a decade – yet these people (I’ll call them “nice”, because they are) haven’t given up on the Wilders. I mean, oh, sure, they’d like to give up on us, but they know our address, and, heck, it’s just one more card.

The real reason that we don’t do it is that we’re lazy procrastinators. Really, we intend to do something like that, and vaguely recall that intent sometime late at night two days before Christmas.

This year I’ll repeat the process and give an update of the Wilder Year, but do it in distinctly non-Wilderesque fashion – I’ll do it before Christmas. So, here’s the annual update:

January:
Pinewood Derby. The Boy’s car won, but my taking a claw hammer to the competition for some last-minute “adjustments” may have had something to do with it. It also averaged 130°F outside during the days.

February:
The leaves in our trees fell out sporadically. I called the Centers for Disease Control, but they told me it was nothing to be worried about, since it was due to something called “winter.” I also went to Canada, where I found a tropical paradise festooned with palm trees. Just kidding. It was Canada, where the national motto is, “Politus, Frozenium.” I think the Canadians are so suspiciously polite because they worry we might just turn our tanks north, now that we’re done with Iraq.

March:
I nearly kill The Boy after having to spend the night with him on a submarine. I’m thinking that the other people on the sub wanted to kill me, given the whole “snoring loud enough to create a tsunami” thing. Fortunately, the tsunami destroyed only Cuba.

April:
I paid taxes. There are no state income taxes for individuals in Texas, so I paid no Texas taxes. It’s funny because they have the same letters, but only one of them has a sense of humor.

May:
We were sucked into a time-space vortex and missed most of May. I think that was good. They still paid me at work.

June:
We blissfully headed north for a Family Reunion on The Mrs. side. It was 103°F in Houston, so we escaped the heat in Dallas where it was only 102.9°F. Cleared toilet (not the bowl, the PIPE WAS CLOGGED) of 142 little bars of hotel soap that Pugsley had dropped into the toilet. I’ve never felt so dirty yet clean at the same time.

July:
We headed farther north, where it actually was cooler, again to see relatives of The Mrs. (if parents are considered relatives). We made it home and The Mrs. and I were briefly incarcerated after a naked claw-hammer fight on the front lawn (we were just recreating a scene from Aliens). Alcohol may have been a factor.

August:
Discovered endless cheap energy source that anyone could fabricate in their garage out of common household materials, but did so just as the price of oil fell. Guess nobody wants that now. I’ll just burn the plans for heat in my fireplace.

September:
Hurricane Ike hit Houston, then doubled back and hit it again while it was down and quivering. Since there was no electricity, cable, or Internet, the family had to devolve to “talking to one another.” Happily power soon returned.

October:
Stock market crashed, and the Fed Chairman called me and asked me what to do about it. I told him, “Oh, just lend money to the most incompetent businesses, but only the ones that were really reckless. Don’t bail out competent businesses.” Does that man not understand sarcasm?

November:
Turkey-induced coma. Sadly, I did not get a call from the Obama transition team. I was really hoping for to be appointed to be the Secretary of Health, Education, Pantyhose, and Pez®. I already had my position papers ready on National Pez© Policy.

December:
Decided that I believed in Global Warming™ after all. The snow in Houston was my first clue.

Merry Christmas!!