"You mean your vote counts the same as mine?" - Dick, Third Rock from the Sun

 

General Patton may not want you to vote. If you’re stupid, stay home. Oh, and if you've got some spare time, please dust me. And fix my G*&%$#mn tie.

On the Sunday before this most solemn day for our Republic, I have in my mind a thought or two. The most important thought is that voting (by the Constitution) should be left to adults. Since you are a reader of this website, you are amongst the smartest, most handsome, most popular, best smelling, least likely to make a left hand turn from the right hand lane type of people on the planet. You win. You should vote.

If, on the other hand, you have friends know people who are mouth dragging morons, convince them (in an entirely legal way, since telling people that they should vote on Wednesday is for some reason illegal) that they should leave the problem of governing the United States to adults.

I hate, hate, things that make it easier to vote. If I were in Congress, I’d make damn sure that if you couldn’t solve a quadratic equation your opinion would not count at all. Oh, sure, we’d let you come to pretend to vote, but your mark wouldn’t add against the total. You would have to attend at least two (two!) city council meetings to register.

Oh, anyone who uses the term “feeling” when they should be “thinking” would also be ineligible. If you can’t name the three branches of government? Off to that lurking pit of evil that is Canada with you (they are very suspiciously too polite). Like you’d know the difference.

This year? Vote if you must, but I’m going to vote for someone who I know won’t win. That’s right, I’m wasting my vote on Thomas Jefferson’s ghost. Because Jefferson would come back and whip the butts of both parties with this thing he wrote, the Declaration of Independence. Plus. Thomas Jefferson was 11 feet tall and weighed in at four tons. He would put any professional wrestler to shame. I just wish he was around to debate the current candidates. As soon as he hit them with his fire breath and laser eyes? He’d be a shoe-in, since he’d be the only candidate left standing.

So, after that, my point should be clear. Friends don’t let dumb friends vote.

My new national slogan? “Voting, if it’s too much bother? Stay home. We’ll give you some fresh Pez®.”

Okay, now for a digression. In 1980, as the Western World entered one of the biggest recessions of the last 50 years, AC/DC® released “Back in Black.”

Now, as we head toward the jaws of another, they’re again number one on the charts. Coincidence? I think not.

For your pleasure, I have transcribed an AC/DC™ tune, as written by William F. Buckley. Enjoy.

If you’re experiencing difficulty with the school principal
He’s making you quite sad
You wish to complete education without resorting to implied sexual intercourse
Here is a course of action
Grab a telecommunication device, I never leave my domicile
Contact me whenever it’s convenient
E-mail – Bonn.Scott73@acdc.com
I conduct my life through extralegal means

Hey

Nefarious acts, performed inexpensively
Nefarious acts, performed inexpensively
Nefarious acts, performed inexpensively
Nefarious acts and they’re performed inexpensively
Nefarious acts and they’re performed inexpensively

You are experiencing difficulty with your life partner
You have serious emotional depression over the relationship
He’s conducting a clandestine illicit possibly romantic relationship with someone with whom you share extremely strong interpersonal ties
You may feel so emotionally distraught that you cry
Grab a telecommunication device, I am currently not in the vicinity of other humans
Or come visit informally with no set purpose or agenda
Enter and remove thoughts about him from your mind
We will cooperatively either stage a fancy dancing party or partake of our own illicit romance

Hey

Nefarious acts, performed inexpensively
Nefarious acts, performed inexpensively
Nefarious acts, performed inexpensively
Nefarious acts and they’re performed inexpensively
Nefarious acts and they’re performed inexpensively

You have a female domestic partner whom you wish to no longer have contact with
But you lack courage to take action
Your domestic partner is continually argumentative and critical
Sufficiently so to make you question your mental competence
Grab a telecommunication device, leave your domestic partner without other human companionship
The proximate moment for you to exhibit some sort of courage is now
With reasonable financial remuneration, I would be glad to
a)perform a silent act of assassination while you pursue your own alibi or,
b)have an illicit romantic encounter with your female domestic partner
(the Internet is unclear here, I prefer version a since I see no reason version b would in any way bring the situation described to a favorable conclusion, but there is some scholarly debate)

Nefarious acts, performed inexpensively
Nefarious acts, performed inexpensively
Nefarious acts, performed inexpensively
Nefarious acts and they’re performed inexpensively, yeah
Nefarious acts and they’re performed inexpensively
Nefarious acts and they’re performed inexpensively
Nefarious acts and they’re performed inexpensively

Heavy quasi-stone masses intended to sink bodies when attached to the feet
Molecules containing triple-bonded carbon and nitrogen
Tri-nitro-toluene
Performed inexpensively

Ooo, common items used for the purpose of constricting the ability of a subject to breathe
Agreements to do wrong
Large differences in electrical potential
Performed inexpensively, eah

Nefarious acts, I will perform them without regard to what they are, performed inexpensively
Nefarious acts, nefarious acts, nefarious acts, performed inexpensively

Yaaargh