Mystery, Alaska

Original Post Date: 6/4/05 (Essentially unedited)


By Mystery, Alaska I don't mean the dark line on the picture above (I believe that's the shadow of the Earth). I was flying north into the sunrise from Outside, and was looking out the window and snapped this one. It's worth a click to see this one full size. Go on, do it, and thank me later. I'll wait.

You're welcome. I thought it was cool, too.

No, I'm talking about good, old-fashioned tinfoil hat loving mysteries, nothing like the mystery of what the previous owner kept in the slightly sloshy 55 gallon drum by the garage that I'm afraid to open, or was it a lynx or a common kitty that The Mrs. saw the other day?

I'm talking about the best kind of mystery - the conspiracy. The very best conspiracy/mystery theories have several things in common:

• they're plausible, but not provable
• they explain some facts
• they lead one down a logic leap.

We will henceforward refer to these as John's Rules of Conspiracy Goodness, primarily because I am John. Are you John? No. There is only one John. I may develop a numerical rating system at some point (it would involve pi and square roots of stuff), but until then, we must make do with the rules.

Conspiracy theories are fun, like watching professional wrestling. You know they're bogus, but, gosh, it's a good show.

Alaska abounds in some good conspiracy theories, most of them involving the government in some way or other. The worst (and silliest) is that Fairbanks is set up to be a concentration camp for 2,000,000 people. I found this one while I was doing a search for FEMA flood maps to see what flood insurance might cost.

Lets look at it (pretend you're in Nebraska) from John's Rules of Conspiracy Goodness:
Plausibility: If you have never been to Fairbanks, it might be plausible. Somebody might have built a huge camp in Fairbanks.
Facts: Ummm, it takes care of all that great concentration camp demand.
Logic: If we had concentration camps, Fairbanks would be a good place for one.

If you've been to Fairbanks, while we have plenty of open land, we do not have a concentration camp here, nor facilities for one. May be plausible if you live in Nebraska (ain't none here), but if you actually live in Fairbanks, not at all plausible. 2,000,000 people - just think of the amount of hair gel those folks might use.

Another great conspiracy ties to government research projects up here. HAARP (official site) and HIPAS (official site, previous post) are the dynamic duo of conspiracy folks.

Some folks claim that HAARP and HIPAS can:

• produce the effects of a nuclear blast anywhere on the planet
• start earthquakes and volcanoes
• control the weather
• manipulate human behavior
• cause global warming
• make your coffee cool slightly faster
• allow men to understand women

Wow! That's a good investment!

This is good conspiracy! Why? Let's go back to the rules:

Plausibility: The facilities are there, and most people don't understand physics, so anything you could say about the place might be true.

Facts: It would explain

• the popularity of Russell Crowe movies,
• why I don't make more money,
• what is Soylent Green,
• and answer the question of just who did let the dogs out. (it was HAARP!)

Logic: At the top of the world, you get to see the aurora much more often that you do in say, El Paso. If you were going to study the ionosphere, Alaska is the place to do it. So, let's build a secret government mind-weather control device up here instead. And give it a web page. And put up a web cam. 'Cause it's secret, see, and you want to hide it.

Some folks say that people who believe this sort of thing are paranoid. To paraphrase the great writer Rufus T. Somebodywhoiforgotandamtoolazytochecksourceson, paranoids must be so happy - they at least believe that someone is listening to them.