Postcards from the 'Net

Above is the Official State Terror-Monster, the grizzly bear (ursus damnus bigus scarius). This one appears to be in charge of the bridge of the Enterprise. The picture is somewhat deceptive, since the bear would appear (through parallax) to be about 18' high. He is, in fact only 17' 11-3/4" tall. He's actually the starting center for the UAF basketball team, but I hear his SAT scores might be in question. One thing about the UAF basketball team, if it were entirely composed of grizzly bears and they killed and ate every opponent up to and including eating Duke to win the NCAA tournament, it would still be less popular than the UAF hockey team if it had a .500 record.

Grizzly bears haven't, though, impacted my site since only a couple of searches have (mis)led a folks here. One query was on how to kill a grizzly. Like you're going to find real information here. Pshaw. Anyway, clue one - it's sharper than a butter knife, and at least as fast as a 285 grain .30-06 controlled expansion full metal jacket slug. I also had a search for "that grizzly bear fred killed." Okay, you've got to admit that's a lame search.

Anyway, I thought I'd spend some time answering some of the implied questions that come from searches that bring people here. By implied, I think that I can imagine what they want. Oh, sure, I might get it wrong, but they're not coming back anyway . . . so, here goes.

Skinny Dick's is a favorite search. Is it really world famous? I'd like to stop there to eat, you know, check it out, sample a beer or two (as a service to my readers) however I need to do that before The Boy learns to read . . . and, as the sign says, I will leave my bra and panties at home.

In actuality, as near as I can find, Life in Alaska is the world's leader in information on "alaska land train 1950's" which is another popular search. Original article here. It's wonderful to be the world leader in information that's entirely irrelevant.

Perhaps the most cryptic search that has led someone to this site is "ho love john scale." Not a clue on this one. Model trains? Does some one want to scale my ho love? Love my ho scale?


The "Alaska Girls Kick Ass" bumper sticker is one of the most popular searches. If I could convince people to buy them at $50 a whack, I might be able to make some money. I find it especially funny to see some big 4x4 pickup, covered in mud, with an Alaska Girls Kick Ass bumper sticker plastered right on the back window. With a guy driving. Does he complain? No. Otherwise, he would find his ass thoroughly kicked. It says so on the sticker. And in the police reports in the News-Miner.

I feel sorry for the person who came here looking for "color taupe sample." While I do know what aubergine is, taupe is beyond me. Color and decorating (if I can't put gas in it, weld it, chainsaw it, eat it, read it, or sand it, I'm not sure I need it) are far beyond my expertise. This does, however, dovetail nicely with The Mrs. expertise. "Why do we need a new couch, we have one? I'd rather get a riding mower." Did I mention that she's a gem?

Then there are the wood related questions:

• "Can you make money hauling firewood in Alaska?" No. Just fire.
  
• "chainsaws for sale Alaska" Try Home Despot. Get a Husqvarna. Or, if you're cheap like me, get a Poulan. Unless you're cutting down five or six acres a day, the small one (14") will work fine. Unless you've got chain saw envy and need to have the 24" version. I, however, am secure in my chansaw.
  

Damn, I spend a lot of time talking about and doing things with wood. I'm working now on wood for 2006-07 winter (and maybe 2007-08), so next summer I won't feel so rushed and we can play more, after we finish the master plan on refinishing the exterior of the log cabin. Dang, but getting that wood is a good workout. Well, then again, so is Alaska.