Wilder by Far

A look at life with the Wilder family. Updated most weekends and some vacation days. You can contact me at movingnorth@gmail.com..

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Saturday, November 26, 2005

"I'm becoming Brundlefly. Don't you think that's worth a Nobel Prize or two?" - Jeff Goldblum, The Fly



Perhaps my patented "Baby Trap 'Em Alive" baby trap and coffee table will finally garner me that trip to Sweden . . .

I've decided I’m ready for my Nobel. I don’t think that there’s one yet for blogging, but, hey, I’d take literature or physics if they offered me one of those. I’ve got a fairly regular reader from, I kid you not, Aspudden, Stockholm Lans, Sweden. I think he or she is on the committee. Given that, I’m a shoe-in. So, I’m writing up the acceptance speech.

Don't tell me that you've never thought about winning the Nobel. I mean, when we were kids on the playground, we'd sit around and think of ways that we could start wars and then end them gracefully to win the Nobel Peace Prize. I was always fixated on the Nobel Physics Prize, because I was really jealous of Einstein's hair. I figured he spent most of his Nobel loot on hair care products. And Night Train.

I'm ready for winning, though. And, I've decided that I really should have the speech ready, too. Here it is:

Ladies and Gentleman of the Academy, thank you.

I have been championing the rights of Angelina Jolie and Bradd Pitt to be free of the rules that the rest of us have to live by, since they are so damn pretty. I must report some success in my efforts. They now have the ability to live without shame. This is a victory for shallow people everywhere. Thank heaven that they no longer have to live by the rules of society, despite having the morals of Amazing Sea Monkeys. This is something worth fighting for.

I have been reporting from the front lines about the battle to increase beer consumption in Alaska, and must also report some success. I look forward to a time when all men can have a cold beer on Saturday night, without fear of brutal repression from the The Mrs., or cutting fingers off with a table saw.

I have been the only person on the planet working for peace, justice, and the American way, and must also report some success. I slept in peace last night. Still working on justice and the American way.

Despite my nearly heroic efforts, I must admit that much is left to be done. There are shallow people who are still scorned in this world, men without beer, and other bad things that somebody should do something about.

I'm planning on sending a huge portion of this check to Brad and Angelina. They need money to avoid common decency folk. I'm planning on blowing the rest on beer and tools. And duct tape.

Thank you.


Yeah, that's the speech. If this doesn't work out, I can just fall back on the MacArthur Foundation Genius Grant. You know, the one (hint, hint) that I'm still waiting on.

(The hint part is that I would so take the MacArthur Foundation Genius Grant money. And I'd help puppies or buy The Mrs. something nice with the part of the money that didn't go to beer.)

4 Comments:

Anonymous Oz. said...

I'd vote for you if I was on the
committe. However, we have two problems:
1) I'm not on the committee,
2) you need to be nominated by a previous winner.

You start working on one. I'll work on the other. I imagine others around here will do their part when needed.

9:22 PM  
Blogger Coldfoot said...

Ohhhhhh, what the hell. We can cook up some scheme and I'll nominate you for a Darwin Award.

No prize money, but you will be a bigger celebrity than the last 20 Nobel Economics Prize winners.

3:48 AM  
Blogger the Witch said...

.... and duct tape.

Viva Alaska!

12:23 PM  
Blogger John said...

tyOz,
I'm working on it! I figure that the MacArthur Foundation Previous Winner James Randi can't help but google himself from time to time, then, bam, I'm in like a spice weasel.

coldfoot,
Yeah. I do know that the most common thing that pilots say before they become one with the planet at 200mph is "Oh, s**t." Likewise, to win a Darwin, it's "Hold my beer, ya'll gotta watch this . . ."

witch,
Si, viva el tapo de duct!!!

12:50 PM  

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