"Flick says he saw some grizzly bears near Pulaski's candy store!" - Ralphie, A Christmas Story

We took some great pictures of Golden Days, but a grizzly bear ate our camera. Okay, that's a lie. The camera was on the floorboard of The Mrs. car, surrounded by empty cans of Red Bull. That The Mrs., she likes her Red Bull

Summer continues up here in Alaska, and I hear it’s been really, really hot for you down in the lower 48. Well, it’s been hot here, too. It must have gotten to 79ºF today. What blistering heat! Given how gosh darn hot it is up here, well, you know that I empathize.

Naw, just kidding. I’m gloating.

This weekend was fun, even though there’s so much to do, and so little sunlight left to do it in.

We went down to Golden Days, the local celebration of the sweet, sweet gold that, as an Alaska resident, I get eleven pounds of a year. Golden Days are fun, but they are in reality the largest festival in the world, surpassing the Superbowl™, the World Series®, and rivaled only by Lawn Tractor Olympics Days in Lizard City, South Dakota.

The main thrust of our day led us shopping. We went to Barnes & Noble©, Sportsman’s Warehouse, and Home Despot. Barnes & Noble™ was fun. We looked at books, and about a dozen of them were tied directly to the theme of the novel that The Mrs. is writing. I could have spent thousands of dollars there on books. So could The Mrs. After leaving the bookish confines of Barnes & Noble©, we went into Sportsman’s Warehouse.

Sportsman’s Warehouse is an Alaskan’s paradise. The Mrs., The Boy, Pugsley (the artist formerly known as The New Boy), and I shopped. Of stores that appeal to Alaskans, none can really compare with this one, except the store that stocks nothing but blue tarps, duct tape, and alcohol. Sportsman’s Warehouse has, well, guns. Lots and lots of guns.

I was looking for a new one. After a bit of study, I think now that my .45ACP is not really the gun that I want to have in my hand should a grizzly bear amped on adrenaline come charging at me at 35MPH thinking I look a bit more attractive than Pizza Hut for dinner (“Why order out,” says the grizzly, “sometimes the food delivers itself!”). The .45ACP is a good gun, but I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t do much but irritate your average 17,000 pound (7kg) grizzly bear. I’m looking for something with a bit more “reach out and touch” than that.

The problem with pistols that will shoot though a grizzly bear is that they’re typically constructed of about thirty pounds of solid steel, which makes them bulky to carry. Since science has yet to deliver a phaser, and pepper spray would be better advertised as “people spice,” I think I’m gonna buy one of those bulky hand cannons.

I’m about set on a Ruger .44 magnum Redhawk. This is the same caliber (though not the same manufacturer) that Clint Eastwood carried in his Dirty Harry movies. I can't make my temple do that "throbbing vein" thing like Clint, but I am losing my hair. Feeling lucky, punk?

I like the .45ACP better, but then again I’d like to carry a .22 because they’re compact and lightweight. I think I can carry the heavy gun, though. Even though I like the convenience of a lightweight gun, I would rather not enter the food chain prematurely. We have tourists for that.