Here's looking at you, kid." -Bogey, Casablanca

The Boy steadfastly refuses to tell me how he took this picture of himself. Seriously. He won’t tell me. Ungrateful wretch.

In the interest of being lazy, I thought I’d put up some bizarre statistics about this site, a mirror back your direction. I know that Myspace has now narrowed the lead in number of daily hits that I have over it, but it only has 93,000,000 teenage users, or, my guess, 52 teenage users and 92,999,948 middle-aged men pretending to be teenage users. OMG, LOL, mYsPaZe rUlZ!

Ahem.

One popular search that (mis)leads people to the site is “life in alaska,” which I guess makes sense, given that is what the site is ostensibly about.

What surprises me is that there are a huge number of Alaskans that visit. You’d a thunk that they’d have figured out what life in Alaska is like. 89.54% of the visitors here are American. 33.51% of the Americans are . . . Alaskan.

Huh?

Not what I would have expected, but I’m still flattered.

Californians are next on the list at 23.12%. That makes sense to me – Alaska might be considered the anti-California (at least as far as regulations go). Opposites attract. If you come to stay, please leave the homeowners’ associations down there. Please.

New Jersey is pretty high on the list, too, and all I have to say is, “I love you, too, Princeton!” Keep banging the atoms around, even if you have to report your results in metric! The English unit of mass is, seriously, the “slug”, which would make me want to do physics in metric, too.

Some search terms are interrogative in nature. I’ll attempt to help:

• What does "getting wood" mean? -What are you, twelve?
• What is effing degrees? -Come on up in January. You’ll see. As in –55 effing degrees.
• Does anyone live in Alaska? -No. But that just makes the rent more reasonable.
• How do you know its spring in Fairbanks? -It’s spring in Fairbanks nine months after the first snow.

Some are just plain bizarre:

• alaska nuclear basement -We pioneered the nuclear basement, as well as the personal jetpack.
• uk panty boy -Just the World Cup soccer team, apparently.
• pantyhose Korean -What we Alaskans wear on our heads in our nuclear basements. While looking at nude pictures of John Leguizamo (see next item)
• john leguizamo nude -Did you really want to see that?
• divination laws in alaska -No divination on alternate Thursdays, unless you have a tarot license.
• white pasty saliva in stomach -How can you tell? Eww.
• i want to buy a live chicken in alaska -Who doesn’t? Am I right here?

Some appear to know me personally:

• gum wrapper clutch -Now upgraded to duct tape.
• tire-chain home-made -Not as easy as it might first sound . . .
• thor log splitter -My secret is out! Will they let me back in to Valhalla? How did you figure out, the hat with the horns on it?