Wilder by Far

A look at life with the Wilder family. Updated most weekends and some vacation days. You can contact me at movingnorth@gmail.com..

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Location: United States

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

"It's lonely being a cannibal. Tough making friends." - Col. Hart, Ravenous

There's a bear, I swear, over there. I swear, I swear, the bear is there. By there, I guess I mean six pixels by six pixels. You can click on it for larger picture goodness (as you can with any picture on the site), but, honestly that won't help.

The first thing I noticed about the roads into Denali was that they were really good roads, paved, even. We drove into the park and ended up at a bridge. A nice (very young, like 12) Park Rangerette stopped the car in front of us. They didn’t have a permit, but they were short, gray-haired drivers who I’m thinking were trying to sneak into the park. The Park Rangerette politely told them to turn around, or she would pull her Rangerette Taser and really give them something to remember the park by.

The Boy and I, having the proper papers, made it through Checkpoint Charlie with the polite admonition that we should drive slowly (less than 45MPH) and keep our lights out, or she would pull her Rangerette Taser and make me jump around like grease on a McDonald’s grill. I drove slowly out of sight, then put the pedal down and cruised on the good roads until I saw a cluster of vehicles all staring off to the north. Far, far in the distance, I saw a grizzly bear cavorting next to a stream. At least it looked like that from where I was sitting, 600,000 thousand yards away. For all I know it was a sweaty young Park Rangerette cavorting in a bear suit for the amusement of the tourists, sort of like the animatronics at Disney, you know, where Lincoln says, “Welcome to the Hall of Presidents . . .” even though you and I both know that Lincoln is living in a grass bungalow in Tahiti with Joe Montana.

Something pretty for tonight's post. Yawn.

The road was dotted on either side by signs indicating that moose were mating in the area. The signs further indicated that you shouldn’t leave the road in those areas. I’m thinking that maybe the bull moose are like really sloppy drunks, and would hit on you if you got out. Perhaps the moose were just a bit shy, and this was the equivalent of pulling the blinds by the side of the road so they might get in the mood, since moose would otherwise worry about pictures of them mating ending up on the Internet, kind of like fuzzy Paris Hilton videos, but with moose. Well, maybe exactly like Paris Hilton videos.

If Clint Eastwood were a mountain, he'd be this one. But I didn't see the slope vibrating like his temple does, so it's probably not him.

The Boy at this point became fixated with the idea of snow. He seemed to think that our Explorer would make it up the mountain to the point where we could cavort like Park Rangerettes in bear suits in frosty goodness. I gently told him, “No way we’re getting to play in the snow today.”

After a minor bout of faux crying, The Boy consoled me and we continued on. We were beginning to feel a bit hungry so we grabbed the bag of snacks out of the back seat and began to graze. The Boy pulled an Alaska Jack’s Alaskan Hunterstick, which is like a jerky-sausage thingy. Think Slim Jims with an Alaskan label.

The Boy: “What’s this?”

John Wilder: “Meat.”

The Boy, looking at the label, which has a gray-haired, bearded man wearing a flannel shirt: “Human?”

John Wilder: “No.”

(I swear this really happened.)

Next: Slow Rangerettes, Steep Roads, and Zen

Note: It may be a week or three before I can post again – another big expedition. I know that many of you might pine for me to return, but we’re not done with Denali yet. Does it make me a bad man to tease this way?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are becoming a tease... does the Mrs. aprove of this behavior? lol

Those pictures are great to see. Will check back way to much to see the update.

BTW, do you travel around Alaska taking pictures for a living?

4:36 PM  
Blogger Lynn said...

My whole world is crashing down!

Have fun on your adventure of whatever.
Maybe I will get to have some sort of adventure while you are away.

Hey I am only sitting here knitting anyhow.

Yeah I am poopy faced!
Got no bedtime stories.

Thanks for the great posts.
Like the bear. Saw the blob by the river.

The photos are as great as ever

7:24 PM  
Blogger SusanE said...

Have you considered writing a book?

6:05 AM  
Blogger Jacie Wiggs said...

I read this whole post with the voice of Cartman from South Park. my brother and I have been doing Cartman voices all week and I've got it bad. Your posts are funny enough, but when Cartman (The Boy) asks if the beef jerky is Human, well .... pee- my -pants! Hehhhh!

3:11 PM  
Blogger My home is Alaska said...

By the way I am in Alaska now. In Soldotna. God I love Alaska.

7:27 PM  
Blogger My home is Alaska said...

By the way I am in Alaska now. In Soldotna. God I love Alaska.

7:28 PM  
Blogger Ben said...

Hey John,
It's been awhile. Still enjoying your work. I'm finally getting back to work myself. Stop by my page for a visit sometime! It's getting lonely! Keep up the great work.

12:50 PM  
Blogger Lynn said...

I have been so patient.
I have waited a whole week.
I am like that kid, "Is it time yet? Are we there yet?"
When you comin back? :(
I am missing my fun stories.

I hope you are getting into all sorts of fun and trouble. We are all just hangin out until you come back.

1:29 PM  
Blogger Cathy said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6:14 AM  
Blogger Cathy said...

Waiting impatiently for you to finish your adventures.. A week or three? It is getting dark now days, and here I was hoping for an increase in your blogging this winter.

I hope your having a fun adventure in any case.

6:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are just providing shameless cover for dangerous, evil bears. 6 pixels my ass!

9:03 PM  
Blogger shawnkielty said...

I am tired of coming here to find six pixels of bear. I want to know why you are not reading my stuff -- and why I can't read yours?

John ???

Don't you have anything to say?

11:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Geez... when you say you will be gone a while, you mean it. lol

5:26 PM  
Blogger Duck Hunter said...

I guess this is the last minute rush to chop wood for the winter, no time for blogging.

5:33 PM  
Blogger Jeffro said...

Shane! Shane! Come back!

3:08 PM  
Blogger Clara....in TN said...

I am pining for you to return. I'm beginning to think something bad has happened to you in Denali. Looking for the bear in the field of trees is getting boring!

3:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As cold as it is here, I can imagine they might be chopping like mad men in Alaska.

3:44 PM  
Blogger brotherbill said...

Finally, we can talk about the guy behind his back. I really think it's not a bear in the photo, but rather the big hairy guy heading into hibernation. The photo must've been taken by The Boy because the quality is too high (alien helpers, doncha' know).

So ...we wait him out till the spring. I wonder how much beer he took with him. Not enough, probably. Oh! Stupid, stupid, stupid. That's what The Wife, The Boy, and The Other Boy are for, ...to pack beer to the den.

3:46 PM  
Blogger John said...

All . . . thank you for your patience. I predict a return to this adventure on Sunday or so.

The Mrs. does NOT approve of teasing. She wants the real deal. (The Mrs. approves that comment.)

No, don't let the sky fall! It's been an adventure, and I'm trying to figure out how to get this one out.

The Mrs. HAS written one. Publish date is (hopefully) early next month. Me, I'd love to publish this stuff, but alas, well, nobody's come writin' a check.

By the way, thank you, so much.


Yay, Alaska!

I shall, I shall!

'puter issues. Sunday. Sunday. Sunday. You won't need your whole seat . . . just the edge!

Adventure is busy time, but fun.

Bears are evil. But tasty.

Soon, soon.


duck hunter,
Nope. Beer run.

I love that movie. Darn you.

Nothing bad, and I'm doing great. Just been about a whole year of living in a month. Fortunately the mortgage doesn't work that way.

Not so bad, here.

I'll have you know I shave my back regularly. Actually, The Mrs. does. For a nickel.

5:41 PM  
Blogger SusanE said...

When are you coming back? I agree with Lynn I'm tired of waiting.

5:14 AM  
Blogger GoGo said...

I think he ditched the wife and kids and went Canadian!

1:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow! comments are not closed (yet) for this posting? (yay)...and, i shall add a date for my comment - may 16, 2019 (i wonder if *THIS* one ends up in a spam filter as well???)

6:14 AM  

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