"Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a wonderful Dread Pirate Roberts."- Westley, The Princess Bride

I wish I could go to work dressed as a pirate, and then act like one all day. Yar, the mizzenmast is blarghy. Okay, at least pirates rarely run out of beer.

Weather’s been nice here, but we haven’t had a ton of adventures lately. I thought I’d just share a few nuggets of wisdom. I know, I know, it’s cheating. You want to hear how The Boy made our toilets explode, or The Mrs. rocks. Tonight, it’s just you and me. You poor person.

With the potential of things like running out of oil, nasty terrorists, third world anarcy, and the (admittedly farfetched) specter of bad things happening from Global Warming™, I’ve decided that I am going to limit my worries to:

• things that may be living in my fridge without paying taxes,
• relative lack of beer in my fridge,
• the voices in my head, and
• well, it’s silly, but I also worry about the solar neutrino emission rate.

Ribs, white bread, ice cold beer. Is that heaven, or what?

I’m thinking that Al Gore and Lennie DiCaprio probably flunked freshman calculus. Heck, the only part of college Lennie DiCaprio ever saw was a batch of willing co-eds. Why are they spokesman for a science thingy (Global Warming®)? It’s like Paris Hilton was suddenly tapped to be a spokestramp for celibacy. Or Britney Spears was tapped to be the spokestart for thermodynamics. Please, someone, come have a celebrity come to my house and explain why having 110 Volts of electricity coursing through my heart might be bad for me. Send Clint Eastwood, but only if he can still make his brow twitch like in The Outlaw Josey Wales.

For the first time ever, I looked at the candidates for President (both parties) and realized I could do a way better job than any of them. I would never be elected, though, because I tell people what I think. Mostly I think other people are smelly. I would tell Rudy Guilliani that. Hillary, too.

Speaking of smelly people, when did democracy become a good idea? That’s like 22 kindergarteners getting to overrule the 1 teacher. Does anyone think that Paris Hilton’s vote should count as much as theirs? Anyone that can read, I mean?

I favor hereditary kingship. At least kings have a vested interest in making the place a good one for their kids to rule. I’m available. My crown size is 7-5/8. Gold would be okay, but platinum would be way cooler. I would so have Dio do a coronation theme. He would have cool lyrics.

Did I mention my King of America© scepter would have a dagger through the Earth at the top, just like symbol of the evil goatee-people in the Star Trek(TOS)® series (episode: Mirror Mirror)? That would make world leaders take me seriously, since I think that was the reason really cool scepters were created. That and you could smack lackeys with the scepter. I need lackeys, but I don’t think they advertise that category on Monster.com.

Can we drive it home with one headlight?

Would Jesus have a beer with me? I think so. He hung around with other reprobates. I know He could walk on water, but could He walk after a lot of beer? I think so. Heck, He’s Jesus. (I don’t know if you can see it, but I ♥ the Big Guy.) Regardless, He still shouldn’t drive after a bunch of beers, but, heck, He could.

I really don’t deserve as good a life as I’ve had. As I think about it, neither do you. You know what you did.

If aliens landed and said, “Take me to you leader,” I think I’d have to take them to The Mrs. The Mrs. might hit me for saying that. But The Mrs. would be right in doing so. Thankfully she doesn’t have a scepter.

Beer after chainsaw. Never before, unless you have seriously good insurance. I have a funny scar on my right hand . . . thankfully I’m not know as lefty.

Okay, in April I started missing the NFL™®© more than hunting, chainsaws, and (yes!) beer. 4th and 1 . . . goal to go. You don’t have to win the Superbowl®, you just need to win now. Need I say more?

Is it only me or does Tom Petty get better as you get older? I like that he plays a goofball on King of the Hill®. Okay, after a lot of years, I finally like Tom Petty. Except for American Girl. Don’t argue, there ain’t no easy way out, I Won’t Back Down.

If the roof was on fire, would we need water, or would we let it burn?

Wolf Creek Pass. If you haven’t been there, you don’t understand. 22,000 telephone poles an hour. Whoa, dude.

Alrighty, I’ve tortured you enough. Where's the treasure, matey?