Wilder by Far

A look at life with the Wilder family. Updated most weekends and some vacation days. You can contact me at movingnorth@gmail.com..

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Location: United States

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

"Well, being an evil villain, you are contractually required to explain your plan before you get rid of us." - Yakko, Animaniacs

Pugsley coming home from his day job. Together we can rule the galaxy as father and son. The Emperor has foreseen this.

I did a search on my real name on Google™ the other day. Combined in the search term with Texas, I found not a single entry on me. When I did a search for “John Wilder Texas” I was the number two-returned slot. I considered that “Not Bad” when compared to the CEO of a multi-billion dollar electric utility (TXU) is also named John Wilder. He might be using a fake name, too, after the whole Enron® mess. I think that whole fake-name-thing is common among executives nowadays, since the FBI would never solve it.

FBI Agent 1: “Who is this Gill Bates who stole all the Microsoft© money and then disappeared?”
FBI Agent 2: “It’s just a mystery that can never be solved.”
FBI Agent 1: “Let’s go get nachos.’
FBI Agent 2: “I like nachos.”

As far as Bill Gates® goes, I don’t know how to figure him out. He’s got billions of dollars (some people work a whole year and don’t make that kind of money!) and he just gives the money away. To charity. To help people. I would say it made me sick, but I’d be worried that people from Bill’s foundation would show up at my door with a cure.

I really can’t understand level of generosity. If I had billions of dollars, I would do one of two things:
  • Become a Batman©-style superhero or,
  • Become a Lex Luthor©-style super villain.
I think that becoming the super villain would be better. Being a superhero without super powers would require a bunch of gym time. Instead, being a super villain, I would have lackeys create super-powerful gadgets using amazing super-science that could, say, instantly make a beer icy cold. Wait, that’s not really bad. In fact that’s good. I won’t scratch it off the list. I like cold beer. Okay, here are some truly evil devices my minions would pump out:
  • A device to make undesirable body-hair grow faster,
  • Bird flu shots (not bird flu prevention shots),
  • Lemon juice coated paper (so paper cuts would really sting), and
  • A device to combine a hurricane and a volcano. I’ll call that one a hurricano-ray.
The key evil device is one that would stream non-stop pictures of meaningless, vapid, shallow, and trampy celebrities like Paris Hilton to the homes of my enemies, thus numbing their minds for my take over. What, you have one and call it a TV? My plan is working. Already. I didn’t have to lift a finger. Mwahhahahaha.

Regardless, I would conquer Earth and use it as the base for my intended domination of our Galaxy. And I would have a cool island fortress, perhaps with trained Evil-Ninja-Monkeys. And, of course, Pez™.

Okay, he doesn't look quite so evil now, does he? Don't be fooled . . . he does this Sith thing where he crushes juice boxes with his mind.

Anyhow, evil thoughts aside, I thought it was fairly funny that my “alter-me” was of significantly greater web presence than my “real-me.” I guess that’s how John Cougar felt before he convinced the record company that people could discern the difference between “Mellencamp,” and “Melon-baller.” Sadly, I bought two John Melon-baller albums in the 1980’s before figuring that one out.

I’ve heard it said that fame is like a drug. If so, my current level of fame is somewhere between antibiotic-level and diuretic-level.

And I’m good with that. I’m not sure I could handle nasal-steroid-for-sinus-infection-treatment-level fame.

That might go to my head.


Blogger JohnCub said...

It seems to me you've been on the internet for quite some time. I'd say the magic has worn off. The joke sites have been read, the email forwards have become old hat. The initial infatuation has long since faded and often you find yourself "at the end of the internet."

I am often in that mindset. It happens. The internet is great but real life and real thoughts are what gets written about. Unless you count Paris Hilton and the metric system. I don't think they're real anyway.

Which leads me to my point in a roundabout way that only I can achieve.

This post made me laugh. Out Loud. For real; in real life. More than once. Three times that I recall. Out loud. This does not happen with the internet anymore.

You should consider, at the very least, freelancing a newspaper column. But like, send me copies, ok? :)

4:34 PM  
Blogger Duck Hunter said...

I started using a fake name in real life and my real name on the internet. I'm starting to get confused. I also agree, I worked all year last year and didn't get what Bill got.

6:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Loved your last post but didn't get to respond until tonight. If you can convince the Mrs. the purchase and use power tools for your improved beer time enjoyment, then my friend, you have located Nirvana. I am sending the wife postage paid, please sort her out and return asap.

I googled your name too, and laughed at the rock guy towards the bottom of the page. Then googled the Mrs., not even a photo! Then googled myself, had a good laugh at the 3rd character that came up, some asian sounding god, sat... That photo could have been me in my younger days (hahaha). Keep it up, I need the humor now more than ever.

8:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I google my name and click Photos I always hope that I am not mixed up with actress Judy Landers

8:20 PM  
Blogger John said...

Thanks (really) for the comment - it's comments like those that keep me writing. That, and my ambition to have, when people ask, "Who's Mark Twain?" have people respond, "Oh, he's an old-timey version of John Wilder. But not as funny, and John Wilder's mustache is way better."

duck hunter,
Yeah, that whole name thing is funny. Just sorry I don't have a good evil name, like "Bob."

No, you must keep yours there. Mine might learn too much!!!

I googled my name, and saw the rocker guy cwh talked about. Then a girl in a red, um, undergarment.

9:05 PM  

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