Wilder by Far

A look at life with the Wilder family. Updated most weekends and some vacation days. You can contact me at movingnorth@gmail.com..

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Saturday, December 03, 2005

"All my life I've fought against imperialism; now I'm the expanding Russian frontier!" - Lt. Cmdr. Ivanova, Babylon 5



Even our pumpkin is preparing for the impending Russian purchase of Alaska.

The Mrs. wants to keep the pumpkin outside until it gets to -55F and then whack it with a bat to see what happens. Can you tell I've married the right woman?

P.S. She's never heard of Prada.


Don’t you hate people who have seller’s remorse?

It appears that our WWII ally scary neighbor friend scary neighbor is still a skosh touchy about selling Alaska to the United States. I’m speaking about, of course, Russia.

Around 230 BJW (Before John Wilder – hey, if they can change “Before Christ” to “Before Common Era,” well, why not), Russia sent a Danish guy, (Vitus Bering) to do their exploring. The only place he could find was a very cold place that they ended up calling “Russian America.” They ended up claiming it and then selling it to the US to fund the purchase of an additional one-eyed cat for the Tsarina. Or Czarina. Or Tszarninovich. Or whatever. I believe we paid them in jelly doughnuts and tobacco.

Now in 40 28 YOJW (Year of John Wilder) a new development: a columnist (Steven Pearlstein) in one of Soviet Russia’s finest papers, The Washington Post, recently suggested that the United States sell Alaska back to Russia for a Trillion dollars. Now, why a communist would be in favor of selling anything is beyond me, but nevertheless, he suggested it.

His primary thesis was that Alaska got back more from the Federal government than we paid in taxes. If you do the numbers, we get back about $1.89 for every $1.00 we send off to Washington. Now, when you consider that there are only 600,000 people in a state the size of Austrailia, well . . . nevermind. That would make too much sense. I must admit that I do like his logic . . . I would like to have an itemized statement of the number of dollars spent on me from my Federal taxes. You know, to preserve the old $1.00 to $1.00 that he’s looking for. I figure Uncle Sam will soon be paying off my mortgage, because there’s no way they took that money from me for gasp someone else! I digress.

Mr. Pearlstein is mad, basically, about the bridges that were famously lampooned as going to “nowhere.” Now, I ask you, after forty years of massive investment in roads, bridges, that wonderfully efficient Amtrak, and the entire frigging interstate highway system that perhaps Alaska, with (true fact) fewer miles or roads than any states except Rhode Island and Delaware could use a bridge or two? I’m not sure those now deleted bridges were in the right place, but there are lots of “nowheres” in Alaska that can be reached only by airplane right now.

The columnist did nail one point on the head:
“With Alaska free from the political grip of environmentalists in Washington and Marin County, Alaskans would be able to drill and fish and clear-cut to their heart's content, unlocking value that could never be realized as long as they are in the United States.”

What I find perverse, besides certain activities involving feathers, whipped cream, and a cat, is that this dunderhead columnist actually got one thing right. The other irony is that communism in the 20th century, not capitalism, produced the most massive pollution in history. People in democratic countries won’t stand for the pollution, people in autocratic countries have as much chance to argue back as The New Boy when The Mrs. lassos me and makes me change his diaper.

If it was up to us, would we drill in ANWR? Ummm, you may not know it, but the Alaskans United for Drilling Yet More Oil to Sell to Environmentalists to Put in Their Volvos So They Can Drive to the Mall (AUDYMOSEPTVSTCDM) started drilling there last week. You can’t see the drill rigs, since we designed them to look like mosquito infested marshland.

Anyhow, now the sad part of the column’s impact.

The Russians, used to believing everything they told, started breaking their piggiski bankskis and collecting all the shiny bits of metal and colored wrapping paper that they use for currency and were attempting to figure out which bank they could take it to that would count out however many bazillion rubles (Nyet, this one is slug) equaled a trillion dollars so that they could buy Alaska back. They were excited. And this is from a people who barely have enough mud to make mud-cakes for dinner.

Now, as far as I’m concerned, the last time the Russians were thinking about taking moving back into Alaska, nuclear weapons were involved. It’s not nice to remind even an old bear that a nice tasty prime rib is just in the next cave, especially from the viewpoint of the prime rib.

Plus, my foreign policy would be: don’t trust the Russians. And the Germans. And the Chinese. And the French. And . . . well, to shorten it up, maybe we can trust the British. And some of the Canadians.

Mr. Pearlstein was teasing the poor Russians. They miss us and want us back. And, the Chinese are up here every year measuring to see if all their stuff will fit. There’s a lot of demand for Alaska. The United States could sell it in a heartbeat. Demand for Washington? Not so much. If you put Washington D.C. up on E-Bay wanna bet that Mildred from Tacoma would get it for $32.50, but refuse to take possession because she couldn’t afford the shipping?

5 Comments:

Blogger Duck Hunter said...

Oh, where to start John? So many comments floating about in my head after reading that. We could talk for days on world politics. I guess I'll just keep it short.

Isn't it nice, living in Alaska, and feeling so loved? If anyone suggested that we sell off California, there would be lawsuits involved. It's crazy. Let some wacko write in the paper and he goes crazy. Kinda like a blog writer.

8:36 PM  
Blogger Woofwoof said...

I think that guy has the right idea, but the price is not right. Heck, it doesn't look like we can buy Iraq for a trillion dollars, and Alaska probably has just as much oil, and moose and the northern lights and the Mrs and the Boy and the Little Boy. That ought to be worth at least another trillion. I think we can get that same money if we'd kidnap the President of Taiwan and demand ransom.

5:46 AM  
Blogger John said...

duck hunter,
Yeah . . . har. I do hope the tone wasn't too somber - I just thought it was funny that we were noticed enough to complain about in Washington. Like we've hit some nerve.

woof,
Actually, we should sell his house.

10:45 AM  
Anonymous Penny Pressed said...

Has communism taught us nothing? SUSPECT EVERYONE. If I were you, I'd keep a closer eye on the people in your household. The pumpkin looks like an inside job, and personally a communist pumpkin keeping watch on the front doorstep wouldn't make me feel too safe. Already having a similar brand of communist dictator living in my own house, my money's on the Boy. Better cancel his Washington Post subscription before it's too late.

11:17 AM  
Blogger John said...

penny,
Personally, I'm worried that I'll come home some day and see the poster, "Little Brother is Watching You."

8:33 PM  

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