"Lord Vader, we only use this facility for carbon freezing beer cooling. If you put him in there it might kill him." - Lando, Empire

Episode V

Madonna Strikes Back

It is a dark time for the Rebellion. Although the
Death Star her career has been destroyed, Imperial
troops have Madonna has driven the Rebel forces from their
hidden base and pursued them across the galaxy. Evading the dreaded
Imperial Starfleet Madonna, a group of freedom fighters led by Luke Skywalker John Wilder has established a new secret base on the remote ice world ofHoth Fairbanks. The evil lord Darth Vader Madonna, obsessed with finding young Skywalker The Boy, has dispatched thousands of remote probes into the far reaches of space...

(For Woof)

Anyhow, after traveling Outside, I think we were at about four hours of sleep in the previous thirty-six. The impact of this sleep deficit was to lower our IQ’s nearly as low as the Baldwin family (Alec, Billy, and Whatshisname). And that’s not enough to get a positive number on an SAT. After being spotted 600 or so points.

So, what’s the best thing to do when you’re so tired that you are unable to see straight and are acting goofy enough to become a Genius in France? You go sightseeing.

Since my cousin, John, used to play quarterback for a certain NFL franchise (the Enver-Day Roncos-Bay), got us inside the stadium when it wasn’t busy. We visited everywhere.

You know the booth were John Madden spills greasy food all over Al Michaels when they do the game on Monday Night Football? Went there. I would have taken a picture, but Madden was eating, and, well this is supposed to be a family site.

You know the room where they hold the party to get the big advertisers drunk (Coke, United)? Went there, too:

This is the view from seats you can't buy. Well, you could buy a billboard on the stadium, but that's going a bit extreme. You could just go on E-Bay and get some tickets.

You know the locker rooms? Went there, too:

Believe it or not, ADA (Americans with Disabilities - a Federal law) makes NFL teams put in a locker that's wheelchair accessable. Really. I saw it. They make the kickers put their stuff in it, because it's not like they're actual football players.

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Oh, and we went on the field. Played a game of catch with Cousin John:

Field level. This is a similar crowd to the last Twisted Sister concert.

But none of that could hold a candle to the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

The beauty, the perfection, the engineering of delivery of beer, precious beer, to thirsty, thirsty fans. There are four of these rooms that supply the entire stadium.

Whereas your house is probably plumbed for water, or Evian if you live in Beverly Hills, the stadium is plumbed for beer. Lots of beer. On an average game day, during the hours the stadium is open, Cousin John said they served an average of 210,000 12 ounce servings of beer. That’s over 2.5 million ounces of beer. In about three hours. All through the miraculous system you see depicted above. I need one in my basement. I mean I need one that’s not quite as large. Half as big?

I do math. There are 70,000 people in this stadium during a game, give or take. That’s three beers each. That’s why I took The Mrs. and The Boy and The New Boy to the game. I get their three beers. You know, to keep balance in the Force, not for my own enjoyment or anything.

I did some more math. If you built eight and a half of these stadiums, you could house the population of Alaska. Heck, this one would hold the population of Fairbanks more than twice over. Now, the problem with moving us all into stadiums is that Alaskans are like porcupines on the best of days. You can only stack ‘em so close, so, the plan to give up our cabins, houses, and tents wouldn’t sit very well with us. Besides, if we all left to go live in stadiums, there would be no way we’d be able to drill in ANWR.

Well, there might be another way to get us all to live closer together . . .

If you gave us free beer.

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Heck, a better idea might be a public utility . . . I can’t get hard line phone to my house, or public water or public sewer, but I bet I could get the citizens together to put in a beer line.

Then Fairbanks would have everything.

Note: Okay, John Elway isn’t my cousin. I took the tour that anybody can take. But it sounded neat, didn’t it?

Next: Lions and Tigers and Bears. Oh, my!