Wilder by Far

A look at life with the Wilder family. Updated most weekends and some vacation days. You can contact me at movingnorth@gmail.com..

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Sunday, December 18, 2005

"The only place you can find a Main Street these days is in Disneyland. And just try to buy a gun there." - Hank, King of the Hill


I know that this may sound slightly insensitive at this time a year, but, reindeer tastes good. If Santa shows at your casa, conk him on the nugget and take the reindeer. Mmmm. Reindeer.

So, another benefit on living in the Last Frontier. You get to be the first to do things.

I recently got a letter from the Fairbanks-North Star Borough. Borough is what we call a county up here. I think the primary advantage is that borough has more letters than county. Boroughs also have more guns than a county.

This isn’t the first letter I’ve gotten from the Borough. The first few (six?) were requests that I tell them about my property, things such as how much I paid for it. By law, however, they cannot get this information unless I give it to them voluntarily. By law, they can’t even come and visit to see if I’ve built a 7000 square foot addition (remember, no permits) and a six megawatt nuclear generating station. Not that I’ve done that. Yet. I’m saving for the duct tape for the joints on the radioactive cooling-water pipes.

This is the sign on the Alaska Pipeline. Probably too many words for our street.

Anyhow, this letter was a bit different. I and several other folks live on a private drive. By private drive, I mean a section of bare earth (actually packed snow right now) where no trees are currently growing. It’s bumpy, but living in Alaska, bumpy is how we like our roads, women, and beer. I don’t really know what I mean by the comment about the beer, but I just like typing “beer.”

This letter indicated that if one of our houses was burning, the local fire department would have as much chance of finding it as Jennifer Lopez would have of convincing a man that, you know, he was the first. This is, of course, despite the plume of smoke that would be evident in the six-month daylight duration, or the screaming, jumping, gesturing John Wilder at the end of the driveway should it be winter. Oh, yeah, and if you go to Google Earth my place is right there. But, you know, the dispatchers may not have exotic technology like the Internet.

What they wanted was rather simple, really. They want us to put up a sign at the end of our road indicating a street name. A street name that we get to pick out. I’m sure if you live, well, most place in the lower 48, this is an option that your grandparents might have had. Well, baby, this is our option. The Mrs. is as excited about this as I am. By the way, when was the last time you were excited about a letter from your county?

Not that it doesn’t come with a downside or two.

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If we chose a name, and the Borough approves it (which, unless it’s patently obscene, is a 100% chance) then we can put up a sign that says, “Wilder Lane.” We have to pay for the sign and the post, but we get to pick our street name. We still own the driveway, they can’t have that, so “Keep Your Grubby Butt Out Lane” is still an option.

I’ve seen streets up here with names such as “Memory Lane,” “Runamuck,” “Loose Moose,” “Dead End,” and “Lois Lane.” Since I have a passing fancy for a certain NFL team, well, I thought that “L Way” would be a good name.

The downside is this: If we pick a really cool name, like, “Duct Tape Way,” the chances that some fellow Alaskan will come with a set of hydraulic shears suitable for cutting through a M-60 Patton tank will chop up the metal pole and take our lovely “Duct Tape Way” sign for use as a basement sign.

So I put it to you, faithful readers, to help me. I’m willing to fund on a fairly neverending stream a street sign that would have the coolest, most kick butt name ever. Keep in mind this, though. I have to convince several sober neighbors who didn’t have a sense of humor that fossilized when they were twelve. Like me.

So, here’s a contest. I’m going to throw it open to ya’ll to give me suggestions on what we should do here. We can:

  1. tell the Borough to pound sand (the Alaska option)
  2. pick a really cool name that would be here forever (the John Wilder option)
  3. pick a lame-ass lower 48 name like “Pointe Point Undangerous Fluffy Kitten Way”

This is the "pound sand" version. Giving Alaskan's crap about wearing seatbelts is like attempting to teach a bully a bunch of Irishmen at a neighborhood pub into drinking nothing but Diet Coke. As the old joke goes, it wastes your time and annoys the Irishmen. (A nod to Daniel in Eagle)

Give us your suggestion.

Don’t worry that it’s not good enough for anyone else to hear. Just sing a song give us an idea of what you would do if you lived in such a cool (both ways) place. Umm, if we get your idea past the neighbors and the Borough, we’ll pop a picture of the sign up on the net, complete with a loving link to you, and a beer if you ever make it up this far.

13 Comments:

Blogger C said...

Too bad Moon Mullen is taken - that's my favorite :) I vote for Noon Moon, you know with all the hype over the Midnight Sun the Noon Moon kinda gets overlooked :)
Good Luck with picking a name!

1:13 PM  
Blogger Lady Luck said...

...or the screaming, jumping, gesturing John Wilder at the end of the driveway...

Why can I picture this and I have never met you?! Still laughing...

I am sure you can come up with something and your connection to BEER! :) (But that might entice visitors down your Private Drive!)

1:21 PM  
Anonymous Loren97 said...

Hmmm...just trying to think of some of the special ones that I've scene in my neck of the woods that are more interesting. We've got some odd ones like "Street Rd." and I think there's also a "Road St."And then some that I can't ever remember how to spell. There are some fun to say places around here that would make a nice street sign "Nocamixon" (Nock ah mixen) or "Conshohocken" (con shah hocken) Some kind of pun would be cool too, or a word that sounds like something else...

2:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about Wilders Way?

2:44 PM  
Blogger the Witch said...

Duct Tape Alley?

6:11 PM  
Anonymous Eric H. said...

Maine just did that like 5 years back. Catologued and named every place you can go. It actually has saved some lives, so try to stay openminded. Favorites I have seen in the past 5 years:

Don't visit (lane)
Dirt (road)

oh heck, any adjective will do quite nicely. how about colors? Sublte references are also genius. If you name the road after yourself, I will be wicked cranky about it.

8:45 PM  
Blogger Woofwoof said...

The obvious:
No way
Do you know the Way
Blood Drive
Kristie Alley (must meet minimum width requirement)
This way (if you want to be found)
That way (if you don't)

The geeky:
Si Lane (works better if the Boy or the New Boy is named Cy. Not better for them. Better for the sign)

The great:
Beer Run (need I say more)
Woof Road (charm and wit all in one word)

5:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about Huggiebutt Hideaway? It would be one of a kind. I can bet that no else has it.

11:08 AM  
Blogger Jonathan B. Horen said...

Going My Way?
I Did It My Way
Get Out Of The Way!
Get Out Of MY Way!
My Way Or The Highway!
Way Hey And Up She Rises
Kurds And Way
Blue Jay Way (there's a fog upon LA)

I never ate reindeer, but I did manage to drink my fair share of "reindeer" beer (Rainier Beer, for those in the Lower 48).

10:22 AM  
Blogger John said...

Okay . . . so I've got a list, checking it twice . . .

c,
Yeah, especially appropriate on the solstice. Thanks!

lady luck,
I do like beer . . . but Corona Way (NOT my brand) gets stolen all the time. Plus, at least one of my neighbors doesn't imbibe. (Sigh) Doesn't mean that I won't try . . .

loren97,
I like those! I'll have to think on the puns . . .

Anon,
Dang, does that have a ring to it, or what???

witch,
I love duct tape. So much. I've already planted *that* seed with one neighbor.

eric,
Not closed-minded, but just think that (since I've never used 'em, knock on wood) that one shouldn't be dependent upon EMS . . . I love the suggestions.

woof,
LOVE 'EM. My neighbors will see 'em all!

Kristie Alley (snort).

anon,
The Mrs. snorted (good, laughing way) when she heard that one. Nice! I won't use this opportunity to make comments about her butt. Oops! Too late . . .

jonathan,
Love 'em! They go on the list! (Going to add "HER WAY OR THE HIGHWAY").

You MUST try reindeer. Best meat ever.

7:51 PM  
Anonymous kim said...

Hey Kim and Rob again! Still working. We been thinking, what about:
Wilders Soltice Lane,
PC Playpen Lane,
The Boys Lane,
Beermonger Ave,
Good luck, keep us posted on the name.

2:10 PM  
Anonymous Kurt Preston said...

Love both your site and your writing style! I was stationed at Eielson in the early 80s and loved every minute in Alaska. The best sausages I ever had were reindeer.

In keeping with the Broncos theme, you could just call it: The Drive

But there's also:

Not This Way
Goa Way
Staya Way
Yaw Way (a palindrome and a religious pun in one shot)
BYOB Avenue
Hawaii is The Other Way

4:14 PM  
Blogger JohnCub said...

But if you post a link to the sign people will be able to find you with google earth! Then they'll be watching what you're wearing while you cut wood. And like, they'll see your 25,000 square foot addition before you're ready to unveil it and stuff.

But back on topic.
the first thing I thought of was Lois lane (wasn't that the lady on superman, I don't know, I'm not that big of a fan)

For ambiguity, if that's what you prefer, I'd go with "Private Drive" or if the Borough wouldn't allow that I'd go with "Pvt Drive" I'd say you could pick up those signs cheap at websites associated with hermits.

I'm a big fan of the Simpsons, and notice you use a lot of their quotes so I assume you've at least seen them so "Homer Run" is a double edged sword if you like baseball. I happen to not. I believe I'd go with simply "Mr. Plow" or "Plow King" (who says it has to end in street, way, road, etc?)

4:22 PM  

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