Wilder by Far

A look at life with the Wilder family. Updated most weekends and some vacation days. You can contact me at movingnorth@gmail.com..

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Location: United States

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

"It's a bonsai bigfoot . . . " Crow T. Robot, MST3K

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A fuzzy, grainy picture of what could be an unexplained, undiscovered biological specimen: a celebrity that admits that they didn’t finish college because of all the weed, dude, and don’t really know the difference between global warming and the Harlem Globetrotters® bigfoot.

I was on the Intertubes the other night, and came across a most curious web page. No, it did not involve Paris Hilton’s vow of chastity, but instead focused on “The Ten Stupidest Things You Can Buy from an Airline In-Flight Catalog.”

In it I saw the statue pictured above: “Bigfoot, The Garden Yeti.” (Search for this, and you can find him online, if you dare.) I laughed. Ha ha. How stupid it would be to buy that. Inside, however, warm waves of love for the statue flooded the core of my being, which isn’t nearly as comfortable as it sounds. The waves lead to sloshing when you walk, so that would explain why I list to the left when I amble about Casa Wilder . . .

Anyhow, I motioned The Mrs. to come over and look.

“We have to have it!” she exclaimed.

Really? My feverish love for Bigfoot, The Garden Yeti might have led my brain filter to mistranslate “We have to have it!” from the root base language, “What fool would buy that?”

I checked, “So, you . . . like it?”

“Yeah, order it up.”

Inside my heart did little pitter-patters of love for The Mrs. Between the pitter-patters and the sloshing of the waves of love, I guess I just passed out.

But, fortunately, The Mrs. poured cold beer on my face, stuck my credit card in my hand, and I purchased “Bigfoot, The Garden Yeti.”

It arrived a day later, before we even had the opportunity to make up the guest room for it. We pulled it out of the carton (which was approximately the size of an elephant’s kidney) and were pleased that it was the size of a two-year-old, but with feet that approximate a women’s size nine (I think women’s shoes are in metric, so I don’t really know what that means).

When I was in high school, I occasionally played Dungeons and Dragons® with my friends. We would joke (often over an illicit beer) about the various character classes. Since we were all nerds, we made up a character which was a giant dwarf, who, while looking like a normal human, was, indeed, a giant dwarf. Beer and nerdiness made that funny. I’m still nerdy, and still have beer, so The Mrs. and I, noting that we had a tiny-bigfoot, christened it “Normalfoot.”

The Mrs. response on seeing it?

“Oh, we need one for inside, too.”

I passed out again from the pitter-patter-sloshing again.

The following bigfotos show just how much fun you could have with your own bigfoot. (Bigfotos courtesy: The Mrs. You may click on any of them to embiggen it.)

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The cunning bigfoot stalks his prey, the roaming gnome.

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Tropical bigfoot.

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Bigfoot, friend to man’s best friend. Which makes him our second cousin, I think, which means he’s marriageable.

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Apparently bigfoot is afraid of sliding. He’s also afraid of Adam Sandler. You’d think bigfoot watching “Big Daddy” would be a natural. You’d be wrong.

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After a hard day of bigfooting, what’s better than a dip in the pool?

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Spring break, baby, bigfoot style.


Blogger Craig Woolheater said...

Not the first Bigfoot sighting in Texas by a longshot...

Check out the Texas Bigfoot Research Conservancy

8:31 PM  
Blogger JohnCub said...

I'm wondering if bigfeet(?) do not like beer. I saw neither a picture of bigfoot partying nor any type of beer can/bottle attachment that would be suitable.

3:52 AM  
Blogger Duck Hunter said...

that's funny. I can't decide which one is my favorite.

5:45 PM  
Blogger Dame Koldfoot said...

Are you sure that's a Yeti? It looks remarkably similar to Dr Zaius of Planet of the Apes fame, give or take a few decades and maybe some Botox treatments. And naked.

8:42 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

i enjoyed the comment by Dame Koldfoot. i certainly looks like am improved version of Yeti. ha the comment penned by him is really funny

Addiction Recovery Alaska

6:51 AM  
Blogger John said...

craig woolheater,
Nope, indeed. I've heard rumors about up north. But, this was MY first Texas siting.

This one does, or it would, were it not made of resin. We'll see about future photos . . .

duck hunter,
Mine is the diving board.

dame koldfoot,

Then I remember the weird song I heard (Dr. Demento?)

Rock me, Dr. Zeus (instead of "Rock Me Amadeus")

Dang. Now "Rock me, Dr. Zeus" is stuck in my head

She's cool.

3:48 PM  

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