Wilder by Far

A look at life with the Wilder family. Updated most weekends and some vacation days. You can contact me at movingnorth@gmail.com..

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Saturday, April 16, 2005

Seinfeld, More Guns, The Kirstie Alley-Denali Connection

On the drive to Anchorage from Fairbanks, we saw this sign. There were a string of "Adopt A Highway" signs, most from local businesses (a hotel, a concrete plant, etc.), who, I assume draft their employees into unpaid Saturday labor to do manual labor picking up trash on the highway so they can get a free ad. This one, however, was just folks who love the character Michael Richards created on Seinfeld sooo much that they volunteered for this unpaid Saturday manual labor. This shows that the Freemason conspiracy theories are correct. Michael Richards is (really) a Freemason. He has a section of road named after him. Do the MATH!!! Bill Gates (not a Freemason) may have billions and billions of dollars and a significant control of a sector of the global economy, but Michael Richards (Freemason) has a section of road named after a character he portrayed on a sitcom, seventy-five miles north of civilization, and folks willing to spend Saturdays cleaning it up. Face the TRUTH! We're in trouble, people. Ahem.

Right next to the Kramer sign, we saw this one:

Now, if you enlarge the picture (like you can with any picture on the site) you can see that there are bullet holes in the stop sign. These are not small bullet holes. These are hand-cannon bullet holes. I would estimate that you could fit a small poodle through one of the bullet holes. If you look at the street sign perched above, it was hit (I'm sure) with a slug from a 12-ga shotgun.
Firearms-related damage to roadsigns was a very common sight along our trip

This sign again proves my thesis: If x% of the population is armed, only a small fraction will view street signs as such a threat that they must be shot at until they no longer pose a threat. Therefore, given the high percentage of shot-up signs, my theory is that x is nearly 100% in Alaska. As an Alert Reader of this site pointed out, not everyone is armed. She noted that she and her friends weren't. As far as I can see, out of 600,000 people, that would be about it. You can by shotguns in lingerie stores here.

Well, after seeing innumerable mountains that were Not Denali, we saw it on the way back. My assumption was this - at 20,320 feet high (that's over 16 meters, if you're communist), and being the tallest-sticking-out part of the entire North American Continent, it would be fairly obvious which mountain it was, when it was not entirely shrouded in clouds. The assumption was correct. Part of the problem this day is the mountain itself was creating cloud cover. As the hot moist wind was hitting the slopes of this giant, it had no choice but to go up, where it was colder and the frost mites turn water vapor into clouds.

As you got closer, paradoxically, the mountain is harder to see. All of these other mountains kept getting in the way. It's like you're at a Hollywood party at Paris Hilton's house, and you've been stapled to the floor by a drunken, samurai-sword-wearing Bob Vila (this has only happened to me once). When they release the toddlers, you just can't see around them to find Kirstie Alley, even though seeing her should be, well, obvious, but the toddlers keep swarming around you, drooling and obscuring your line of sight. I don't know if I can come up with an analogy with greater clarity.

Toddlers are to lesser mountains as Kirstie Alley is to Denali. I imagine that'll be the easy one on the next SAT. You don't have to thank me now.

I would complain about the inadequacy of the camera, but, that camera has since been fired and replaced by a camera that has resolution better than a pinhole in the front of a cardboard box.


Blogger Woofwoof said...

Maybe you don't know but Kirstie Alley has become a more "full figure" actress lately. My guess is that it is harder to see around Kirstie to find the toddlers.

1:38 PM  
Blogger John said...

Snarf. Yeah. Big. Like Denali.

5:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bullet holes in street signs are also a common thing around where I live. As well as going to the grocery store and seeing trucks with ones large enough to stick your hand through. Rednecks are awesome.

7:35 AM  
Blogger Coldfoot said...

Bullet holes make me horny.

11:13 PM  

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