Wilder by Far

A look at life with the Wilder family. Updated most weekends and some vacation days. You can contact me at movingnorth@gmail.com..

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Sunday, August 14, 2005

"The hammer of the gods will drive our ships to new lands," -Robert Plant, thinking about Alaska

Above is a picture of the Space Needle in Seattle. I know it's not in Alaska, but it is part of the long-term plan, where Alaska becomes the new source for Neo-Vikings to spread Viking-like pillaging up and down the West Coast. Think of it as being what Enron did, but only with longboats and axes this time. I'm thinking I'll set up Seattle as my feudal kingdom. Perhaps later invade King Harold's Oregon. But again, that's more of a long-term plan. I'm working to secure a source for horns for our hats - probably have to be moose-horned Vikings up here.

Actually, I took that picture when I was Outside. Outside, for you Outsiders, is anyplace not Alaska. Not a bad definition, because things are different there. You see, when I went Outside, it was the first time that I'd seen stars in months.

On the Outside, people take the dark for granted. I haven't seen an honest-to-Odin night-time, inky black as Oliver Stone's itty-bitty soul, star-studded sky in months. Months! And, to top it off, I was Outside when I saw the night.

There are advantages to it being daylight all of the time in summer:
  • It's the only time warm enough to do work outdoors, so it helps to have extra light so you can work 10 hours at a job and then come home and work 10 hours on the house and then not get much sleep and repeat until you're exhausted.
  • Really messes with semi-nocturnal animals like cats - when do they prowl?
  • No electricity to keep the house lit.
  • No worries about vampires, unless they have sunscreen and maybe Oakleys. I bet vampires would drive cool cars. With funny bumper stickers, like "I stop for bloodbaths."
  • Can play "Blinded By The Light" all summer long and not feel silly, except for not really knowing what the damn song is about.
The Sun up here never gets to overhead like it would in say, Arizona. It's up in the sky, but if you're used to telling time by how high the Sun is in the sky, well, it's always 9:30 AM. It also messes with your ability to tell direction by using the Sun. To tell direction with the sun, you have to know what time it is . . . for instance . . . if it's midnight, then the Sun is due north. If it's 6pm, the Sun is due west, and that means it's time to start drinking.

So, enjoy your summer meteor showers down in the lower 48. We'll take the aurora in the winter. And the meteor showers in the winter. And the free beer the State of Alaska gives out. And, soon enough, we'll take Seattle. I've been measuring the place. You know, to see if my stuff fits. I think the place pictured above would be a nice throne room . . .


Blogger Masked Mom said...

Until I was 35, I was completely convinced the line in the chorus following "Blinded by the light" was "wrapped up like a douche, another boner in the night."

Another illusion shattered by the Internet.

Happy pillaging!

6:28 PM  
Blogger Woofwoof said...

Wait a minute. Your site is "Life in Alaska" so stick to stuff you know like bear, moose, cabbage, Denali and Skinny Dick's Inn. If I want to know Seattle, I can go there myself. I think I can handle Seattle, it's not 50 below.

8:56 PM  
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Blogger the Witch said...

Spammed twice in the same post? Wow John, this Seattle thing is really working for you.

MM, Shhhh! Don't spoil any more mystery lyric for me.

4:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for the heads up re: the feudal kingdom. I'll make sure to whip up some lemon squares to await your pillaging. And as a Seattleite, I can say with great certainty that you'll have no trouble conquering us. Grab a giant gas-guzzing toxic-fuming dump truck and fill it with vegetables. Then bullhorn, "I've got inorganic produce here, and I'm NOT AFRAID TO USE IT. And by the way, I'M A REPUBLICAN." That should do the trick.

5:45 PM  
Blogger Masked Mom said...

And I thought for sure the takeover would involve wooly tea cozies...

7:38 PM  
Blogger John said...

I still avoid learning the lyrics . . . I just hum.

what I'm saying is that soon Seattle will be Lower Alaska. Or, maybe I'll call it "Steve." Dunno.

Umm, thanks.

Yes, you have to love spam. I have no idea why they'd want to come here . . . maybe the beer.

Yay! Lemon squares! That does a Viking good! Beyond that, I'm kind of sad that we won't have to put the city to the torch. It's like the ending to War of the Worlds . . . who knew the power of veggies???


7:23 PM  
Blogger the Witch said...

Me thinks we should have a group sing... wait, no... a group HUM-along.

7:55 PM  
Blogger . said...


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