"It's people. Soylent Green Mozzarella Sticks is made out of people . . . You've gotta tell them! " - Charlton 'Madhouse' Heston

So, we got lucky. Alaska was visited by a Clinton!!

Hillary came and hung out at the house. She brought McCain with her, and we sat around doing shots of tequila. Man, Hillary can drink. While we were waiting for the Buffalo wings, she and McCain asked a few questions:

• How bad has the impact of global warming been on your life?
• Isn't it true, that today it is nearly 140 (really) degrees warmer than it was here in January?
• When did you stop beating The Mrs.?
• Can I get some more of those jalapeno poppers?

I'm convinced that they're right. There is global warming. And, global cooling. It's called the seasons. Why, oh, why, though, did these people ignore Alaska's true plight? I'm speaking of course, of the glaciers.

• Despite some of them being 10,000 years old, the illiteracy rates for glaciers are higher than illiteracy rates for congresspeople.
• Despite the very high unemployment rates for glaciers, they get virtually no direct federal support.
• Glaciers have virtually no access to free health care.
• Glaciers have been prevented from voting for the candidate of their choice in every election since Alaska became a state.
• Many glaciers have been imprisoned on Federal land . . . with no access to an attorney.

Okay, so they ignored the glaciers.

Really, though, did anyone expect that these political folks were going to come up here and say, "Oh, man, it's cold. I guess that this global warming stuff is just crap. Sorry for bothering everyone. Bye." No, I don't think so. They had a position, and if it were raining chunks of ice the size of 747's, well, they'd have not noticed. I believe that Clinton and McCain are sincere, though, in their belief in global warming.

Which comes to my basic problem with global warming - it's not science, it's a belief. Like a belief in Odin, but with big computer models. It's not nice and clean like physics. Heck, it's not even as developed as biology. I for one am not willing to put global politics into the hands of a group of people who claim with a straight face that they can tell what temperature it'll be in 100 years, when I know damn well they can't tell me reliably what the weather will be like tomorrow.

On the other side of this debate are people with similar credentials who believe that any warming we've seen is a result of that great thermonuclear space heater we call the Sun sputtering a bit in the amount of hydrogen getting smashed into helium. Think of it as a rough idle. Remember, though, that these are the physics geeks that you knew in school. They can't get a date still, and now they're telling me what the weather will be like.

All in all, global warming (or even global cooling, which still has adherents) is exactly like a belief in Odin. I won't have conclusive evidence until I'm dead. I don't plan to blog from beyond, so you'll have to figure it out for yourself.

Is the climate changing? I don't know. If global warming is happening, is it really that bad? Again, I don't know. Are the mozzarella sticks done? Yes, they are, McCain. Hillary, stop bouncing on the sofa. Okay, okay, McCain, I'll go look for Jenga if you're absolutely jonesing for a game.

Yes, the mozzarella sticks are done. That, at least, I know. Mmmm, fried cheese.