Wilder by Far

A look at life with the Wilder family. Updated most weekends and some vacation days. You can contact me at movingnorth@gmail.com..

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Location: United States

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

"Maybe we should call in a bomb threat to Houston. I think it's free beer night at the Astrodome." - Mulder, The X-Files Movie

Saw this sheep just eating precious, precious tundra by the side of the road in Denali National Park. Maybe, just maybe he didn't see the fifty bazillion signs saying that nature was far to fragile to walk on, let alone eat. Stupid sheep. They're killing the environment. Let's get 'em and then have some mutton.

Okay, for the first part of life, I’m working on a title for the blog. Life in Alaska seems, well, a bit like being Pamela Anderson Lee Mrs. Kid Rock or whatever she’s calling herself right now – what you see isn’t what you get. Unless you see herpes. Then you’d be getting that.

But, I can announce that visiting Life in Alaska has, unlike Pamela Anderson, been pronounced 99.8745% hepatitis free.

So I need help coming up with a new name. My primary contender for this is, “Gone to Texas.” I like the title, it says a lot, but I just don’t know . . . other things, like, “Wilder by Far,” come to mind. Perhaps I’ll just call it “google.com.” That has a nice ring to it, and I’m sure nobody’s grabbed that url yet. If you’ve got a suggestion that you would like to submit for consideration, well, I’m game. Keep in mind that I can’t pay you for it, and that I own it in perpetuity, and when I win the MacArthur Fellowship and that pesky Nobel, well, be satisfied that I won’t mention you and will have built my success on your cleverness. (Keep in mind I really, really, really want to win this. If I did, well, heck, I might move back to Alaska. If you’re on the nominating committee, please don’t make me beg. Because I will. I really, really will.)

Back to the main question in comments on the last post: Why?

Well, why do birds fly east for the summer? Why does Adam Sandler keep making movies? Why do fools fall in love?

Well, since none of the visitors to the site was ponying up any cash, doesn’t mean that Pugsley (now 18 months and about 158 pounds) still has to eat. (An ironic aside – I got e-mail from an Alaska paper wanting to publish my stuff regularly and kinda maybe pay me and an e-mail from the History Channel wanting background info on Alaska . . . just after I moved.)

Were I independently wealthy, I don’t think I could have been dragged out of Alaska. Actually, that’s not exactly true. I would allow porters to carry me, like a Pasha. Maybe in one of those old-time cart thingys. But mine would be gold. And, really, it would be in Fairbanks.

But, we're here.

There are advantages, writing-wise, to being in Houston. Houston is a bigger, more anonymous place. It may be a steel and glass ant-hill of people who say “ya’ll” a lot, but there were times when I held back on blogging fodder because Fairbanks was just so darn small. You don’t flip off your next door neighbor and expect peace. In Houston, I can branch out a wee bit more. I’m not looking to do dirty jokes - my goal is still to produce writing that would barely pass muster on HR’s radar screen if you were reading it at lunch and the Internet Nazi’s at your business pulled you into a room and said, “Hey, he keeps talking about Pamela Anderson and Paris Hilton as if they were filthy tramps.” Then one HR person would say to the other, “Dude, they are filthy tramps. And he never qualified what exactly trampdom was, so, you know, make him sign the papers that said we never beat him.”

So, in the coming weeks, expect a name change. “Wilder in Texas”? “Where’s my damn MacArthur Fellowship, already?” “Wilder Trek II: The Wrath of Texas”?

Hey, I’ve got it: “The Wilders of Texas are Upon You.” That’s great . . . oh, wait, it sounds like a cannibal movie. "The Texas Chainsaw Wilders" isn't much better.


Back to the drawing board.


Blogger SusanE said...

I like "Wilder By Far".

I'd move you back to Alaska if I were independently wealthy.

Do you have a job where you are?

8:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about: The Wilder Side of Texas

9:38 PM  
Blogger kewyson said...

Lyle Lovett's 'That's Right, you're not from Texas' could be transformed to fit your situation -either ' That's Right, I'm not from Texas' or something -

or maybe a spin from their moniker - 'The Lone Star State' - maybe The Wilder Star State

6:30 AM  
Blogger Carolyn H said...

How about "An Alaskan in Texas," or, "The Lone Star of Alaska" That covers both.

Whatever you call it, I'll be looking forward to your "fish out of water" experiences.

Carolyn H.

7:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wilder, Texas firewood.

8:53 AM  
Blogger Clara....in TN said...

What about "Wilder in Texas", "The More The Wilder" "Wilder Is Better", "Wilder Life in Texas", or "Life in Texas" (That doesn't sound nearly as exciting as Life in Alaska".)

9:17 AM  
Blogger CabinDweller said...

Hows about "Life in the Second Largest State in the U.S."?

Nothing more fun than poking a Texan with that fact.

Or, "An Alaskan Melts Down"?

Personally, I'm rooting for "Gone to Texas" for no other reason than it resembles the title of a Wayne Hancock (cool Texas musician)song, "Going to Texas When I'm Through."

Sorry to hear you left - but am certain you'll be back up here, some day. You'll miss gathering wood for the woodstove too much.

10:47 AM  
Blogger Al said...

I kept thinking this was an early April Fool's Day joke and the Wilder's had moved to Houston...Alaska. But evidently not so. I mean if you change you blog name it must be serious.

My choice for names.

1. Cool Hand Wilder (in Texas)
2. Houston, you now have a problem with the Wilders
3. Cactus John
4. Se habla espanol (you are in Texas for Pete's sake)
5. The Alaskan Cowboy (off shoot of Urban Cowboy)
6. Beef, Its what the Wilders eat
7. Life in the Wilder-Dome
8. Who are those guys? (a great line from Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.)
9. Butch and Sundance on vacation
10. What the heck am I doing here!

It is strange that I, living in VA, am closer to the North Pole than you, John.

Good luck in Houston and keep up the good work.

7:02 PM  
Blogger Sara Jean said...

I have an Idea! and you should be impressed, i usually keep my brain on just 1 or 2 volts of thinking a day, and its late. I say...

The Displaced Fairbanksian - Texas!

That way if you move again, you can keep the big half of the name and just replace the word "Texas" with any other location you may be shipped off to.

And i promise not to ask for money if you win a wickedsmartprize, a beer would be nice though.

7:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's my first time to your blog in a few weeks (I stopped checking when the regularity I depended on seemed to fade). Welcome to Texas! I'm in the Big D but originally from northern Wisconsin. I can't stand the cold and would never move to Alaska, but I regularly visit your blog for the writing. I think you'll find a lot of parallels between Alaska and Texas, probably many more than you expect. That whole thing about once being its own country gives this place a different perspective. And since when in Houston number 3? Did it bump off Chicago or LA? I never craved good Tex-Mex or Mex-Mex food before I moved here and even refrained for the first 5 years or so, but now there are days when it's all I want. I think you'll learn to love it here, as will the family. And if you're in the oil biz, your experience could always take you back to Alaska (which Texans don't really count as a state). For the name, I like the Wilder, Texas Ranger suggestion.

2:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oops -- in = is.

2:08 PM  
Blogger Suess said...

Sorry to lose you! You were my introductory lesson to Alaska and I still use you for words of wisdom:-) While I hope to never, ever end up in Texas - your insight into life there is bound to be amusing and I will enjoy reading it. Good luck y'all. (and I didn't mind your first option - Gone to Texas)

4:48 PM  
Blogger My home is Alaska said...

Hey I want to rename my blog. Although I still hate California (and realtors), I feel I should fill your shoes (as best I can..which is not at all as you are far funnier than me). If you change your name, can I have "Life in Alaska"?

6:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about "The Far (Wilder) Side"? I know with 2 kids you're wondering what could be Wilder, but I think I finally caught up with you on that end.

At least you still don't have to pay income tax (if I remember right) so you just lose your welfare check in the Spring. If I remember Houston right you should be able to make that income up selling tamales out of a van at the day worker sites, which is good training for the young'ns to stay in school. I look forward to my regular update of whatever replaces Life in Alaska.

7:20 PM  
Blogger Dame Koldfoot said...

As long as you are baring all (which is easier to do in Texas than in Fairbanks in the middle of winter), why don't you fess up to the rest of it? All the talk about drinking beer, cutting down trees and pumping oil was just a conspiracy to keep the lower 47 and California from knowing how great life is in Alaska. I'll bet you're really a wine drinking-animal rights-tree hugging-fur wearing-blue voting-solar powered-peace sign toting vegan? Why else would you move to Houston?

I guess this means that we need to return the fur chainsaw cover with beer can holders and grill attachment we got you for Christmas. We'll keep the steaks and beer.

10:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello? It's time to take a break from unpacking and give us a update .. how's the Wilder Bunch doing in the Wild Wilder West ?

3:57 PM  
Blogger Uncle Crappy said...

Kewyson is my lawyer for good reason. The Lyle Lovett title is the way to go.

4:12 PM  
Blogger John said...

Job . . . that's so, subjective. Actually not subjective. Yup. Workin'.

a friend,
Thanks . . . like it. Top five!

Nice. TRYNFT. I like it. It makes the top five, too!

Yup, that's what it will be. We'll be all floppy around.

Yeah! I was looking for a play on the Walker: Texas Ranger.

Oh, life is exciting anywhere the Wilders are.

Oh, trying to get me in good with the big kids already!!

I do miss gathering the wood. Really.

Nope. Really here, all of us. Love the suggestions, especially 1., 2., and 7.

Beer = On. Don't even have to win the prize for that. As to the moving again, heck, we have no idea.

Sorry 'bout the delays - the moving made blogging all but impossible, consuming so much time, and so much beer.

Sorry to move - I so love Fairbanks. So far, the verdict is that Houston's not too bad.

Go for it!

No income tax. Sales tax, though, and no annual check. (Making notes to buy van, make The Mrs. cook tamales).

dame koldfoot,
Actually, our wine consumption went up a tiny bit (you can buy wine at virtually any store). I do believe that animals have the right to be tasty, that trees are for Btu's, leather rocks, Reagan was too liberal, oil burning, troop supporting carnivore.

I'm working on the carnivore part, since animals eat plants, why eat cow food?

Mmmmm, beer.

In just a minute.

It's top five :)

4:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG. John, I can empathize with your dilemma (me having returned to the US at the end of June 2004, after 25 years in Israel).

o "All My Exes Live in Texas" (George Strait)
o "Doesn't Matter Who's in Austin, Bob Wills is Still the King" (Waylon Jennings)
o "Wasted Days and Wasted Nights" (Freddy Fender)

6:31 AM  

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