"Well, he's got the buff spikes chillin' on top of his melon, obviously, right?" - Pauly "What the Hell was he talking about?" Shore

Above is a biologically accurate rendition of how bears actually get salmon. You can click on it for a larger version, but I can't see why you'd want to.

So, there's a new movie out about Alaska. It's called "Grizzly Man." In this movie, an amatuer amature incompetent naturalist named Timothy Treadwell spent summers in Alaska protecting bears. As you might guess, the movie doesn't end well. Spoiler Alert - They eat him.

I'm not sure that I understand the thinking (or lack thereof) of the pretend ursine biologist. What, exactly was he attempting to do? Save bears? They have claws, teeth, rippling muscles, and in most situations are quite capable of saving themselves. They certainly saved parts of him, for later snacking. These bears were also in a Federal preserve, so in theory we could send in Stealth fighters and Blackhawk helicopters to protect the fuzzy bears.

The other thing that Treadwell did was to teach the bears he encountered that being close to humans was not a threatening thing. Most grizzly bears just want to get away from people, but he taught a group of them that humans were okay, and heck, in a pinch they make a tasty pre-hibernation snack. I for one hope that bears are more frightened of me, than I of them. That's a good equation that keeps both of us alive.

I recommend all who think that bears are cute and fuzzy critters and have a Disney view of the world to watch this movie and emulate the indicated guy.

My plan is simple:

• You feed the bears.
• The bears then don't eat moose.
• I then get a moose.
• I then eat a moose.

Think of this as taking one for the team. Specifically, my team.

On a side note: I was recently puzzled when I read that they were considering removal of the "threatened" tag at Yellowstone that currently applies to grizzly bears. If they need bears in Wyoming, they can certainly have some of ours. Up here, they're numerous enough to get group discounts when they go ice skating.

Threatening? Yes. Threatened? No.

So, then, I realized that the "Endangered" tag could apply to a species that is numerous someplace, but not so numerous another. I, for one, am in favor of the reintroduction of grizzly bears and mountain lions to D.C. Those critters used to live there too, right? I'm also for the reintroduction of wolves into Pauly Shore's house. For the entertainment value. And for the fact that no one over the age of twelve should be called "Pauly."